Ewya Magazine Ewya Magazine Issue 2 -July 2016 | Page 18

iv. When you talk about things that happened, it’s a sign that you’re getting better. viii. But there will always be a part of you that jumps to comparing YOURSELF to others (Also see point 6, pg. 53) His talking about your past is probably really hard for you because it’s basically like reliving those terrible moments over and over again. When you trust him enough to talk about them – even in passing – it’s a sign that it’s becoming less scalding, less terrible to remember. It’s a sign that it’s no longer haunting you. More often you’re probably comparing yourself to other people. How could you be more like them? What do they have that you don’t? How can you copy them in every way so that there’s nothing they have to offer that you don’t already possess? And quite honestly, that constant comparing is exhausting. But you can’t help it. So he needs to show you and tell you all of the ways that you’re already special. He should show you how you’re different and wonderful and that you don’t need to try to be anyone else. v. Admitting you’ve been cheated on is ridiculously humiliating – he must be gentle Finding out you’ve been cheated on makes you feel deceived, broken, embarrassed and stabbed in the guts simultaneously. It makes you feel dirty and no shower can rid you of that violated feeling. Admitting that you feel that way; that you’ve had that hurt in your life is horrible. It probably made you question a lot about yourself; what you should have done differently. When you open up to him about it, you expect him to respect your pain. It’s crucial to helping you heal. vi. He has to respect your boundaries and your fears Perhaps it’s as simple as needing to know that he’s telling you the truth – or perhaps it’s his explaining that he’s still close to his ex. But you’re going to have fears, and it’s going to be his responsibility to help ease them. They won’t exist forever. vii. You’re not comparing him to anyone from your past – y ou’re hoping that he’s different The stereotype that women who have been cheated are constantly comparing people to their ex isn’t actually accurate. You’re probably is just bracing yourself to get hurt as a defence mechanism. But deep down, you’re really just hoping that he’s not going to hurt you and prove you wrong. 18 - Ewya July 2016 ix. You need to have him reaffirm that he isn’t going anywhere There is probably always a little fear in the back of your mind that you’re going to lose him. That no matter what you do; how you act; how you are; he’ll leave. It stems from your absolutely paralysing fear that you are not good enough (for him or any other man). So he should tell you that you are. He should tell you that he’s staying. And then he should stay. x. You probably blames yourself for every little thing Even if you pick a fight, you’re probably counting the ways in your head why it’s really all your fault, because you’ve probably told yourself that you need to be some unobtainable level of perfection to keep him. Again, it’s utterly exhausting. xi. His being angry for you is very flattering, but also not very productive When you’ve told him what happened with your previous relationships, it’s really sweet when he gets angry for you, when his instinct is to protect you. But his anger isn’t actually very helpful. It’s more helpful for him to think of how to help you to move forward. How to show you and prove to you that what happened in the past doesn’t have to affect your future. How to show you that it doesn’t have to matter anymore. That’s what’s helpful; that’s what matters. xii. For a while you will always sort of be waiting for the other shoe to drop Your fear that someone is going to hurt you is a really hard one to shake. So it will take time for you to not be on edge; to not be afraid of it; to not be waiting to be hurt again. However, with patience and reassurance, it will go away. xiii. Some things will always hurt – irrespective of how much time passes Being cheated on is a particular kind of hurt that lingers. Even after many years you’ll still remember what that betrayal felt like. There will be good days and bad days. There will still be times where, out of the blue, you’ll be hurt by something that happens to you. It’s all right – it will pass. xiv. Sometimes the best and most powerful thing he can do is just to be there He should be there. He should be present, be understanding, be open, just ‘be there’. And he should show you that he’s not going anywhere. Because that? Well that’s absolutely everything. In spite of all of the above-mentioned fears and concerns if your relationship develops into a long term one, you should never forget your quest for independence. There should always be a (i) ME; (ii) YOU; (iii) OUR RELATIONSHIP understanding. You might have noticed that the ‘ME’ comes first. That’s intentional. You have to look after YOURSELF, first, before you can fully give of yourself to a loved one. You have to be healthy, whole, complete, before your relationship begins. It’s absolute hogwash (and extremely emotionally unhealthy) to believe the old saying “You complete me”. NOBODY completes you! You are – or should be – already complete without a man in your life. This doesn’t mean that he doesn’t add value to your life. Of course he does – well, hopefully! But he doesn’t MAKE your life. Only YOU can do that - you and YOUR decisions. Never forget that! I always tell my seminar guests: “If you take away only one piece of wisdom from the seminar, let it be that this philosophy will doom you to codependency – and ultimately relationship discontent”. Notwithstanding everything we learn and discuss at my seminars, there will always be some instances in which two good people simply won’t get along in the long term. You simply have to accept that and move on. “It’s been my experience over many years that people, generally, base much of their lives on how they deal with issues of fear. Fear of loss and fear of failure are the two most common fears. We all have these fears to some degree. How we deal them determines, to a large degree, how genuinely happy we will be”. Hilton Evens (Ph. D.) [email protected] Feel free to join his Facebook page (Hilly Evens) and/or his Facebook group (Friends of Dr Hilly’s Seminar + ‘HIDDEN’) at: https://www.facebook. com/hilton.evens Copyright © 2016 by H. Evens This material in all its forms (manuscript, electronic book, physical book, audio book) and any other form is copyrighted world-wide via protection of the Berne Convention Ewya July 2016 - 19