Why can’t I get him
more involved?
Dr Hilly Evans
(a) Hormonal difference between men and
women;
(b) Male society’s expectations of how men
should deal with their emotions (the ‘cow
boys don’t cry’ concept comes to mind
here);
(c) The fact that women are, by nature,
superior communicators; and
(d) Some (extremely confident) men have
less of a fear of loss than almost any
women – and/or they simply refuse to
demonstrate their fear of loss.
pic
It’s natural that men appear to be more
distant in relationships. Some people,
including Machin and Dunbar (2013), claim
that generally, women are more invested in
their relationships than men, and that their
(women’s) happiness and well-being is more
dependent upon how things are going in their
intimate relationships.
If this is a surprise to you, it’s not a surprise to
me. Yet I believe that this opinion is wrong. I
believe that it’s all about perception. I also
believe that it’s dependent on a combination
of who is the stronger one in the
relationship (based on the concept that ‘the
person who cares less has the most power’
and has less fear of loss) and the fact that
men don’t normally express their emotions
very well – irrespective of how much they
love their partners. This is due to: -
16 - Ewya July 2016
Her ‘gears’ are flowers. His ‘gears’ are . . . er . . . gears. LOL!
It’s not necessarily true that it’s usually the
woman who recognises when things in the
relationship aren’t working too well. Often men
do see when (and where) the relationship is
becoming dysfunctional. But they ignore it,
hoping the problem will solve itself. It is,
therefore, typically women who seek
professional help for their troubled
relationships; women who mostly spend time
reading self-help books; and women who go
to seminars about relationships. But why is it
this way?
Women are biologically wired as nurturers.
They’re armed with the inherent skills to
anticipate the needs of their partners, take
care of nurturing the relationship, and do the
problem solving when things have gone awry.
(Some particularly sensitive men have similar
abilities).
Men are biologically wired as providers and
protectors. It’s not that their relationships
aren’t (as) important to them; it’s just that they
show it in different ways — by working hard,
establishing their careers, etc.
additional worries and keep you inside your
own head. Even when you’re being irrational,
or it seems like you’re being unfair, he should
listen. He should make you feel heard. He
should reassure you.
These differences make relationships
somewhat interesting: if both of you focused
on ‘connection’ at the same time you’d feel
blissfully hap