most intriguing for me is how God managed to strengthen me during my second marriage, almost in preparation of
what was to come. My second husband was a very hurtful, angry man. He never showed much of this around others,
only to me and the children behind closed doors. Sound familiar?Threats came, angry outbursts were more and more
common and the lies were horrendous to me. He
threatened me with a gun, he threatened to bury me in the backyard, he threatened to take the kids from me, he
threatened to kill me. He lied to everyone about me, especially during the last years of my marriage. At least this is
when it became the most obvious to me. The thing with this marriage is that I never knew I was being abused. I never
knew that he was preparing a way to kill me. I never knew he was that mean. I was so used to being afraid, alone,
terrorized in the
night by his threats, isolated and feeling rejected that I was taken aback after it was all over. I had gotten so used to
this lifestyle, I had no idea I was a victim of domestic abuse.
What does that mean?
Domestic abuse?
What is it?
As a nurse, I had to ask people if they were victims. I asked all day long our admission paperwork. Are you
a victim? I asked them and here I was a victim and had no idea. We ask people what they don’t even know is them.
How crazy is that? I was a victim and never knew until AFTER my marriage was over and I was finally able to SEE
myself. I was so used to helping him, fighting for him, solving problems, catering to everyone else, looking at
everyone else’s issues, I had not been able to see my own.
My marriage ended the night he tied me up with belts, sexually abused me, threatened me, suffocated me
and read to me from the bible, telling me it was all my fault. Three hours of torture. Then he apologized, saying if it
were not for me and for me not listening, none of that would have happened. My marriage ended. My life seemed
over. Most things I believed weren’t true. I thought I had found love.
Not so. Not even close.
This sparked many years of things falling apart for me. I ended up losing everything that meant anything to
me. I thought he was going to kill me and/or the kids so I let them live with him, which is what he wanted. My other
two children were already not wanting to see me by this time due to things being said about me by their father, my
first husband. They live with him. My life came crashing down. I made some poor, probably reactionary choices at
this time in my life and found little to no support in the church or outside of it. People heard me, but it seemed no one
cared. I struggled with everything. I wanted to die. I begged God to take my life. Even He was silent much of the
time. I lost my family, my children, my house, almost my career, my car, my furniture, my friends; everything that
meant anything to me.
Looking back at that time in my life, I was so lost and so alone and dying for something to go right. The
court system didn’t back me up as I felt they should have. They advocated for a short time and then things started
turning against me. I guess I looked crazy even though I knew I wasn’t. I was trying to heal from these horrible
things and it seemed no one was there. No one but God. Even though the Lord was silent at that time, it was His love
inside of me that I remember the most. I felt loved by Him. It drew me in even more. No one on this earth seemed to
love me at that time in my life. No one. But God was there. I sensed Him and felt Him and He would hold me when I
slept. I just knew it. I could sense His presence around me.
In my life, of all the things that happened to me, I can say that this moment was where I changed the most.
In my soul, I felt like I died. All I wanted in life was a family and to be loved. Everything I had was now gone. It was
God who remained when everyone else left. I went through a time of PTSD after I lost access to my children, having
severe panic attacks where I thought I was dying. I was in the hospital