DAD ’ S DIARY
DIARY OF A NEW DAD
ENTERING FATHERHOOD
WITHOUT A MAP
So , today was supposed to be the day , the day I was due to become a dad . I ’ ve been checking my watch , double checked the calendar and called the speaking clock , twice . It ’ s definitely April 12th ... but I ’ m definitely not at the hospital holding my boy . Instead I ’ m calling the local Indian restaurant on behalf of the lady “ I ’ ve had enough of this now , get the hottest curry they do , and then I ’ ll have some pineapple and you know what !” Crikey , busy night ahead , come on son , get a move on , the poppadum ’ s will be here in 20 minutes !! It ’ s difficult to slow the eating time of a curry beyond 2 hours , but lord knows I tried , each time I looked up she was funneling down another crazy Jalfrazi whilst bouncing up and down on her inflatable red ball like a delirious sunburnt kangaroo . I had to hand to her , she was doing everything to push this boy out , but he wouldn ’ t budge . Next up we hit the shops , I won ’ t name drop but every little helps . She bounded down the aisle in search of confectionary like Willy Wonka doing a stock take , I tried explaining that perhaps we didn ’ t need quite so many sweets , but she was insistent . The real problem that I have is one day , not long from now , she will lose half a stone very quickly , but I will be left with this sympathy gut that I ’ ve been slowly growing through osmosis .
April 18th - We ’ re now 6 days overdue , I ’ m starting to wonder if she really is pregnant or this is simply ‘ gas ’? My pineapple purchasing funds are depleting quicker than a plate of biscuits at a weight watchers rebellion group , and it would appear I ’ m putting the local green grocer ’ s kids through college through my consistent visits requesting more of Mr Delmonte ’ s finest . We ’ ve had curries hotter than the sun but still he won ’ t come out . It looks increasingly like we will have to start charging him rent in there .
He has finally arrived ! April 21st , I ’ m not a big believer in astrology ( like most Capricorns ) but he passed the Aries cusp to become a Taurus , “ strong like bull ”. The birth itself was fantastic and shocking ; we initially opted
The midwives pulled with such force that
I feared I may end up fathering a giraffe for a water birth , when she first suggested it I pictured myself sat on the side with a net , waiting for a stray poo , like the unluckiest gnome in the world “ great ” I said , “ can ’ t wait !”, however , as the pool was not ready we were moved onto the labour ward for some ‘ pain relief ’. The nurse kindly explained the drugs would only be for my lady , but I hid my devastation well . I heard the doctors mutter something about a ‘ kiwi delivery ’, and thought it dammed incompetent to have pregnant women and wild birds on the same floor , and demanded to know what kind of doctor would allow such a thing , ( besides Doolittle ). I was swiftly informed that ‘ kiwi ’ was in fact a method of assisted delivery to help pull the little lad out . I
then watched in horror as the tug of war ensued , the doctors pulling with a force to make Schwarzenegger blush . In fact , they pulled so hard that I feared I may end up fathering a giraffe ! Then the unspeakable happened , I heard a ‘ pop !’ and felt sure that his head had come off ! We shall deliver the second part shortly ”.... I expected them to say . “ The kiwi has come off , no problem , we will try again ” she said it like it was nothing . My heart started to pump once more and I took a huge intake of gas after wrestling it from the grasp of my pregnant fiancé . We ploughed forward and minutes later ( although it felt like years ) the best moment of my life took place as they pulled him into view and he started crying straight away . All was good ; in fact it was amazing , fantastic , better than brilliant ... you get the point . So here he was , out and proud - our son . I started checking to see if he had any of our likenesses and hoped that he didn ’ t get everything of mine , to explain : I have a forehead you can comfortably rest your pint on and ears that can only be viewed under a powerful microscope . I was delighted to see no prominent brow and a decent set of lug holes . Things were looking good and I stepped up to change his first nappy , it was the black tar like substance the pre natal classes had told us about , then he pee ’ d in my face . I remember my mum saying I did the same to her so I ’ m glad he has some of my genes at least . As I mopped the urine from my face , I smiled ... it was official , I ’ m now a dad .
... TO BE CONTINUED
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