DAD’ S DIARY
DIARY OF A NEW DAD
ENTERING FATHERHOOD
WITHOUT A MAP
So, today was supposed to be the day, the day I was due to become a dad. I’ ve been checking my watch, double checked the calendar and called the speaking clock, twice. It’ s definitely April 12th... but I’ m definitely not at the hospital holding my boy. Instead I’ m calling the local Indian restaurant on behalf of the lady“ I’ ve had enough of this now, get the hottest curry they do, and then I’ ll have some pineapple and you know what!” Crikey, busy night ahead, come on son, get a move on, the poppadum’ s will be here in 20 minutes!! It’ s difficult to slow the eating time of a curry beyond 2 hours, but lord knows I tried, each time I looked up she was funneling down another crazy Jalfrazi whilst bouncing up and down on her inflatable red ball like a delirious sunburnt kangaroo. I had to hand to her, she was doing everything to push this boy out, but he wouldn’ t budge. Next up we hit the shops, I won’ t name drop but every little helps. She bounded down the aisle in search of confectionary like Willy Wonka doing a stock take, I tried explaining that perhaps we didn’ t need quite so many sweets, but she was insistent. The real problem that I have is one day, not long from now, she will lose half a stone very quickly, but I will be left with this sympathy gut that I’ ve been slowly growing through osmosis.
April 18th- We’ re now 6 days overdue, I’ m starting to wonder if she really is pregnant or this is simply‘ gas’? My pineapple purchasing funds are depleting quicker than a plate of biscuits at a weight watchers rebellion group, and it would appear I’ m putting the local green grocer’ s kids through college through my consistent visits requesting more of Mr Delmonte’ s finest. We’ ve had curries hotter than the sun but still he won’ t come out. It looks increasingly like we will have to start charging him rent in there.
He has finally arrived! April 21st, I’ m not a big believer in astrology( like most Capricorns) but he passed the Aries cusp to become a Taurus,“ strong like bull”. The birth itself was fantastic and shocking; we initially opted
The midwives pulled with such force that
I feared I may end up fathering a giraffe for a water birth, when she first suggested it I pictured myself sat on the side with a net, waiting for a stray poo, like the unluckiest gnome in the world“ great” I said,“ can’ t wait!”, however, as the pool was not ready we were moved onto the labour ward for some‘ pain relief’. The nurse kindly explained the drugs would only be for my lady, but I hid my devastation well. I heard the doctors mutter something about a‘ kiwi delivery’, and thought it dammed incompetent to have pregnant women and wild birds on the same floor, and demanded to know what kind of doctor would allow such a thing,( besides Doolittle). I was swiftly informed that‘ kiwi’ was in fact a method of assisted delivery to help pull the little lad out. I
then watched in horror as the tug of war ensued, the doctors pulling with a force to make Schwarzenegger blush. In fact, they pulled so hard that I feared I may end up fathering a giraffe! Then the unspeakable happened, I heard a‘ pop!’ and felt sure that his head had come off! We shall deliver the second part shortly”.... I expected them to say.“ The kiwi has come off, no problem, we will try again” she said it like it was nothing. My heart started to pump once more and I took a huge intake of gas after wrestling it from the grasp of my pregnant fiancé. We ploughed forward and minutes later( although it felt like years) the best moment of my life took place as they pulled him into view and he started crying straight away. All was good; in fact it was amazing, fantastic, better than brilliant... you get the point. So here he was, out and proud- our son. I started checking to see if he had any of our likenesses and hoped that he didn’ t get everything of mine, to explain: I have a forehead you can comfortably rest your pint on and ears that can only be viewed under a powerful microscope. I was delighted to see no prominent brow and a decent set of lug holes. Things were looking good and I stepped up to change his first nappy, it was the black tar like substance the pre natal classes had told us about, then he pee’ d in my face. I remember my mum saying I did the same to her so I’ m glad he has some of my genes at least. As I mopped the urine from my face, I smiled... it was official, I’ m now a dad.
... TO BE CONTINUED
54 ESSEX CENTRAL ESSEX CENTRAL 55