here have been a lot of upheavals in my
life which has resulted in a lot of hurt, and
grief. In the middle of this, it’s been hard to
trust God. At times, I have clung to Him, and
at other times, I have been very angry that
He allowed me to get into a situation where
I would be so badly damaged and disillusioned. I completely went to pieces one
night, and God finally got through to me that
He was still there, I just hadn’t been able to
reach Him as I have been stuck in my own
pain and couldn’t see straight.
I get little glimpses every so
often that blow my mind,
but the full size, is way beyond me.
I felt awful. It is the same as when you accuse someone of something they haven’t
done, then find out you were wrong. What
could I do but apologise?
I know He treats me better than any person
has or will and that is as much as I can get
my head around for now.
The greatest thing was He
responded with, “That’s
what I am here for.”
No offence was taken. He could handle the
assault on His character, and it didn’t in any
way harm our relationship. That’s pretty special. I don’t know too many people who could
do that so easily, and with so much love.
When I taught Sunday School, we sang
songs with the children about God’s love being so high you can’t climb over it, so low you
can’t climb under it and so wide you can’t get
around it. They were action songs, and they
were a lot of fun. The basic message was,
you just can’t dent God enough for Him to
stop loving you.
What I have learned in the meantime is, I
cannot comprehend just how great God’s
love for me is.
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The trouble with really understanding where
we stand with God is, He is so different. I
know there are lots of Scriptures that teach
us about how He thinks and feels about us,
but it is not the same as seeing a smile on
His face when He sees me, or giving me a
hug when I need it. It takes longer for me to
learn to trust Him, and believe how special
I am because of that. I like some evidence,
and due to His patience and great mercy
over the years, He has given me some
when needed. It never seems to be enough,
though, when I am walking through the
blackest periods of my life.
One of the songs which have helped me is
written by Amy Grant and talks about a little
girl, who is now grown up, who was sexually
abused. The lyrics a