apologize, admitting that she had been selfish, and told her that she admired her for taking care of herself and asked for the massage therapists’ number so that she could also schedule a massage. Flora was in tears as she told me what happened. She expressed that she realized that by being a self-sacrificing mom she had encouraged her children’s selfish and unthoughtful behavior and sadly, she also taught her children, by example, to not prioritize their own health. The fact that her daughter was inspired by her to schedule a massage for the first time in her life showed her that she needed to make changes, for their sake as well as her own.
Flora made these changes during a six month health consultation program:
~ It was important to Flora to be in the role of giver and nourisher in her family while learning to care for herself. She needed to negotiate how much she was willing and not willing to do. She decided to stop doing her children’s laundry. She invited her children and grandchildren to spend a day every other weekend instead of every weekend, and asked them to bring some of their favorite foods because she was going to cook and serve healthier meals. Although she continued to prepare meals for her children to be packed and picked up, she began limited that gift to once a week (and is considering making it once every two weeks).
~ Flora’s husband was very resistant to the food changes she was making. He wanted his regular meals without any “weird healthy” changes. For a while Flora cooked separately for him and for her but over time, she learned to make gradual healthy changes without announcing them. She switched to healthier oils, bought organic ingredients when possible, and included many vegetables with every meal. With time, her husband started eating some of “her” food and didn’t even notice most of the changes she made.
~ I prepared Flora for the resistance and rebellion of her family. It was hard for her but she learned to keep her focus on her long term health goals. We kept referring back to her massage experience with her daughter and that experience was repeated in many situations. Her family initially didn’t like that she stopped doing EVERYTHING for them and some of them even spoke to her unkindly. There were many inevitable upsets and lots of feelings of guilt. But to Flora’s astonishment, her children didn’t stop talking to her, they kept coming, learned to take what she was willing to give and grew more appreciative of her.
~ Like her family, Flora taught everyone in her community that she was the giver, nourisher, problem solver and the person that never says no. While that same dynamic played with her family, she was too close for them to notice what she finally understood by dealing with her community: her position was her own doing and it was her responsibility to change it. She kept her volunteer positions but worked less hours. When friends came to her with requests, she asked for time to think things through. By not having the pressure to say yes or no on the spot, she was able to evaluate if she could really help or not. She started saying no more often and after awhile people became less demanding of her.
While Flora’s journey started as a way of improving her health, it also became a journey of reclaiming her life. The most surprising thing for her was that she was still a good mother, a good wife and a good community member. No one stayed mad at her for long, she earned people’s respect, became a role model, was still able to care deeply for others and enjoy giving; the difference was, that she also included herself in the mix.