ROUNDUP : DOWN TOOLS
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JOKES
PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN … n Adam and Eve were the first ones to ignore the Apple terms and conditions .
n How much do pirates pay to get their ears pierced ?
About a Buccaneer
n What do you call an alligator in a vest ? An investigator
n My mate doesn ’ t like going to the pub for a night out . If he wants to chill he gets a bottle of lactose and takes gas and air . Does it for the sh ! ts and giggles .
n My wife said I should stop with the police puns . ‘ Okay ,’ I said . ‘ I ’ ll give it arrest .’
A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding , and the car gradually increases its speed until it ' s topping 150km . The chase lasts for 20 minutes , but the car eventually realises it can ' t escape and finally pulls over . The cop approaches the car and says , " It ' s been a long day and my shift is almost over , so if you can give me a good excuse for your behaviour , I ' ll let you go ." The driver thinks for a few seconds and then says , " My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago . I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back !"
A man hasn ' t been feeling well , so he goes to his doctor for a check-up . After the check-up is complete , the doctor comes out with the results . " I ' m afraid I have some very bad news ," the doctor says . " You ' re dying , and you don ' t have much time left ." " Oh , that ' s terrible !" says the man . " How long have I got ?" " Ten ," the doctor says sadly . " Ten ?" the man asks . " Ten what ? Months ? Weeks ? Years ?!" " Nine ..." n My son ripped ‘ May ’ from his calendar . He ’ s totally dismayed .
n What ’ s the name of the detective who solves everything accidentally ? Sheer luck Holmes .
n I just didn ' t believe orthopaedic shoes would work for me … But I stand corrected .
n A ball emerged from the distance and began to get bigger and bigger . I couldn ’ t figure it out … but then it hit me .
n My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline . She hit the roof .
n Will glass coffins be a success ? Remains to be seen .
n As I put my ute in reverse I thought ‘ This takes me back …’
TRIVIA TIME …
1 . What is cynophobia ?
2 . What is the smallest country in the world ?
3 . Havana is the capital of which country ?
4 . A group of ravens is known as ?
5 . How long is New Zealand ’ s Ninety Mile Beach ?
DID YOU KNOW …?
→ Dolphins sleep with one eye open .
→ Alfred Hitchcock was frightened of eggs .
→ 25 % of all of your bones are in your feet .
→ It would only take 60 minutes to drive into space .
→ The teabag was an accident . Small bags were originally used to transport tea samples , but recipients put the bag into boiling water !
1 . Fear of dogs 2 . Vatican City 3 . Cuba 4 . Unkindness 5 . 55 miles
48 GEMCELL . COM . AU JUN – JUL 2022