ROUNDUP : DOWN TOOLS
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JOKES
WORK FOR IT !
Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies . A nurse goes up to the first guy and says , “ Congratulations ! You ’ re the father of twins .” “ That ’ s odd ,” answers the man . “ I work at the Twin Waters Golf Club !” A nurse says to the second guy , “ Congratulations ! You ’ re the father of triplets !” “ That ’ s weird ,” answers the second man . “ I work for Triple J !” A nurse tells the third man , “ Congratulations ! You ’ re the father of quadruplets !” “ That ’ s strange ,” he answers . “ I work for the Four Seasons hotel !” The last man is groaning and banging his head against the wall . “ What ’ s wrong ?” the others ask . “ I work for 7-Eleven ,” he says .
n Every time I leave my house , I ’ m followed by a bird with long legs . I think I ’ m being storked .
n My grandparents ' names were Pearl and Dean ... But I always called them Grandma and Grand PAPA PAPA PAPA PAPA PAPAPA , PAPA PAPA PAPA PAPAAAAAA .
n Someone asked me what my favourite thing about Switzerland was . I said I don ’ t know , but the flag ’ s a big plus .
n Wanted to make a Suez Canal joke but that ship has sailed .
n The Mrs asked if I ’ d seen the dog bowl . I said I have not – I didn ’ t even know he could play cricket .
n Selling a pair of glove puppets if you know anyone who ’ ll take them off my hands .
n Did you hear about the business man who opened a shadow puppet theatre that will make a fortune ? But that ’ s just projected figures .
The police knocked on my door this morning . “ Do the letters H . B . mean anything to you ?” they asked . “ No ," I said . “ What about G . D . then ?” “ No , means nothing to me ,” I said . “ How about A . J .?” “ Look ,” I said , “ am I suspected of something ?” “ No sir ,” they said . “ These are just initial enquiries .”
n I can sell you a real good puppet , nice and cheap – no strings attached .
n I thought I was drowning in fizzy pop . Turns out it was just a Fanta sea .
n I keep writing letters to myself . Dear me .
n I was just reminiscing about the herb garden I had when I was growing up . Good thymes .
TRIVIA TIME …
1 . What ’ s the biggest island in the world ?
2 . What does a funambulist walk on ?
3 . An eggplant is a vegetable – true or false ?
4 . Nephelococcygia is the practise of doing what ?
5 . What is the collective noun for a group of hyenas ?
DID YOU KNOW …?
→ The difference between fog and mist is visibility . If you can ’ t see more than 100m in front of you , it ’ s fog .
→ M & Ms were invented so US soldiers could eat chocolate without it melting in their hands .
→ The sound of the boulder rolling in Raiders of the Lost Ark was made by a car rolling on gravel .
→ Alfred Hitchcock bought all of the copies of Psycho so people wouldn ’ t find out the ending .
→ The Nazis didn ’ t call themselves Nazis , as the word Nazi is German slang for country bumpkin .
48 GEMCELL . COM . AU AUG – SEP 2021
1 . Greenland – 2,121,000 sq km 2 . A tightrope 3 . False 4 . Finding shapes in clouds 5 . A cackle