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NZ : You can take your flat and barren land and keep it – along with all of those loutish backpackers who set camp on your beaches and gradually turn into lobsters , thank you . The mountainous , imposing New Zealand landscape wins every time , surely . After all , you couldn ’ t have filmed Lord of the Rings in Australia , could you ?! Verdict : NZ smashes it home – 2-2 .
ROUND 4 : ACTORS
AU : Hugh Jackman ’ s pretty impressive when he ’ s not crashing into Oprah ’ s set outside Sydney Opera House . Cate Blanchett ’ s decent too … and of course we have Nicole , although she ’ s been in Hollywood for so long she ’ ll have her own Boulevard soon . And then there ’ s Heath . Dear Heath . His performance of The Joker was perfection itself . NZ : Russell Crowe . Thank you . Verdict : The Gladiator takes it – 3-2 to NZ .
ROUND 5 : MUSIC
AU : Who ’ s the voice ? Who ’ s the voice ? You ’ re the voice ! At least that ’ s what Johnny told the Aussies , and they sure believed him . Go back to the ’ 60s and you ’ ve got the Easybeats . Men at Work ’ s Downunder – a CLASSIC ! And then there ’ s Kylie . Kylie ! The international superstar . Owner of the golden behind . The pocket rocket . Silverchair . Guy Sebastian . Dan Sultan . Jimmy Barnes is Scottish . NZ : Crowded House . Lorde . Thank you . Again . Verdict : NZ hits the right notes to take a 4-2 lead !
ROUND 6 : SPORTS
AU : Well , where do you start . From the great cricket teams to the Wallabies ; Aussie Rules to rugby league ; our soccer players … no , actually , best neither of us go there . Still , Boony ’ s iconic beer drinking on Ashes flights and Warney ’ s ball that got Gatting out at Old Trafford . Our five ( 5 ) Cricket World Cup victories . Our Rugby World Cup victories . Class above . NZ : Sorry , Australia you can ’ t count sports that only you and maybe a couple of country
towns in the middle of England play , so AFL and rugby league are out . As for union , New Zealand has the same amount of World Cup wins as Australia – and your Bledisloe Cup record is embarrassing . And , we ’ ve got the haka . Verdict : It ’ s a tough contest … that ends in a draw . A point a piece . 5-3 NZ ’ s way !
ROUND 7 : THE BOOZE
AU : Not only have we got the amber nectar itself ( VB , as if you didn ’ t know ), and XXXX , we ’ ve also got more than 500 microbreweries across the country pumping out some weird and wonderful stuff . Boag ’ s , Squires . Great Northern … Great Northern . If we were playing poker , we ’ ve just played a Royal Flush . And then there ’ s the wine : Margaret River , the Hunter Valley , the Barossa … the list goes on . And on . And on .
NZ : You see , here in NZ , we have more refined tastes than the p * ss-guzzling people over the ditch . VB ? XXXX ? Great Northern ? You wouldn ’ t know a decent beer if it smacked you in the face and called you Bruce ! Speight ’ s , Emerson ’ s Monteith ’ s are superior in every single way . Not to mention Panhead and Garage Project . And Tui has a trivia question on every single bottle . Beat that . Verdict : It ’ s a close call , but Australia ’ s huge selection of booze wins on points . 5-4 to NZ .
ROUND 8 : INVENTIONS
AU : This round is in the bag . W-fi . Google Maps . The Black Box Flight Recorder ( capital letters very much deliberate ). Using penicillin for medical purposes . Plastic banknotes . Cochlear implants . And , the trump card , the electric drill . NZ : Well , we ’ re to thank for the bungee jump . And the jetpack . And … jogging . Verdict : It ’ s an Aussie equaliser – 5-5 !
Final score : After eight rounds , we have a tie . Australia and New Zealand come out even . Now , when ’ s the replay ? n
* Judge ’ s decision is final . Judge has now retired from judging and spends 50 per cent of his time in New Zealand and 50 per cent in Australia . Judge loves Australia and New Zealand equally .
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