story
My whole life, I have been compared to others. When I was born, I was automatically seen as the miniature version of my father; an imprint was pressed into my skin of a man I had so much hate for since he had left me for over half my life. Ever since then, I’ve only compared myself to the people around me. However, I never did it when it would come to my art and passion until recently, when my insecurities started getting in my way.
After being cast in a show for my musical theater class, I automatically started questioning my “talent”. The other two guys in my class had received two lead roles, while I had landed a part with few lines. I didn’t complain, because my teacher would always tell me when it comes to theater there aren’t any small roles, just small actors. However, the reason it negatively impacted me so much was because it made me feel like I wasn’t good enough to carry roles involving more singing and lines. After a while, I learned to like the role I was given because I didn’t know the musical that well while the other two guys did. I also talked to my teacher who was directing the performance, and he told me that we are all talented in different ways. He mentioned that I came to musical theater as an actor and not a singer. He even said that sometimes some people won’t fit certain roles.
Nevertheless no matter what I did, I would always have a voice in the back of my head telling me I could never compare to the amount of talent and success the other guys will have and achieve. I would always ignore this voice, since I never wanted to tell anyone how I felt. I didn’t want to start drama. This led to my insecurities building up, because I wouldn’t let them out. I knew that no matter how long I kept the pressure in, it would eventually blow out. Comparing myself made me feel trapped and forced to slap a fake smile onto my face. Every day, that smile would grow more and more, all whilst my mental health continued to fall.
I kept my insecurities in until everything exploded a week before the show opened. It was during one of the other actor’s solos. After hearing him sing his solo so effortlessly, I started to over think. I could never compare to anything he does. He would always be better than me no matter the circumstances. No matter what I did, I would forever be in his shadow. It only became worse when it came to my insignificant solo part, because every time I sang, it was like I kept doing worse.
After rehearsals, I went home and isolated myself in my room. I felt horrible after that rehearsal. All I wanted to do was drop out of my musical theater class since I felt like I wouldn't be able to go anywhere with it. I felt like a waste of space in musical theater. After a while of my mind going crazy, I finally called someone. The person I called was a senior that I looked up to when it came to both theater and musical theater. When I was on the phone with her, she told me words that would change my perspective: “We are all on a different path and in different parts of it.”
After she said this, it made me think. I've never had an actual vocal lesson in my life while the other actors have. They have been taught vocal support and so much more while I've just been winging it since 7th grade. Why am I bringing myself down over something that isn't my strong suit? I've been taught more about vocal support than I ever had this year, so I shouldn't put myself down for something I'm still growing in. This new perspective made me see musical theater as a learning experience and not a competition. It made me have more respect for myself as an artist. I’m still trying my best to not compare myself to other artists before it ruins any potential relationships in the future, because in theatre relationships are important.
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By Brenden DeVilla