happy jar is full, you give your child
a pre-arranged reward, and if the
unhappy jar is full the pre-arranged
penalty follows.
What can be considered good
rewards to use with incentive
methods? I’ve found that a reward
that has something to do with quality
time is the best. For example you
can take your child someplace for
a milkshake, or spend some time
together with him/her in a park. You
can reward your child with a family
movie or something specific he/she is
saving for. When people complain that
their child wants too big a reward, I
simply reply that you can then make
the process to get to this reward
harder, with a lesson allong the way.
For learning hard throughout the year
and achieving good grades, you may
for example reward your child with
something bigger, such as a cellphone.
12 •
• September/November 2015
Communication and
negotiation.
For this technique to be effective, your
child should be older. I suggest schoolgoing age as a rule of thumb, but have
seen younger children also understand
and react to this method. In contrast,
you may also find older children
not understanding, or not willing to
understand and effectively participate
in this technique. For this you should
rather revert to a simpler discipline
technique. This technique also requires
a certain amount of effort on the
part of both the parent and child,
and implies a good understanding
of language to be able to use it
expressively. I usually introduce this
technique by explaining to my child
that we are going to have a discussion
about the specific situation or event.
I clarify the “rules of engagement” as
a place where every party should get
a chance to say something without
being interrupted. As soon as any
person loses their cool or becomes
aggressive by either yelling or not
giving the other person a chance to
speak, the conversation is stopped
and the parent will overrule whatever
is being discussed. I obviously expect
the parent to be the adult in these
communications, and not to be the
disruptive one.
During proper communication,
things such as amount of time spent
in front of the television or computer;
what is a proper bedtime for the child’s
age; places the child wants to go out
to, such as the movies or friends or
even a party, can be discussed. When
communication is done in the right
way, it can lead to negotiation about
certain topics and will lead to parents
and children who are satisfied with
each other and with the rules in the
house.