Are You Listening ?
Are You Listening ?
by Arlene Pellicane
God created humans with one mouth and two ears . You might say it is a visual reminder that listening is more important than talking ( although lips are generally easier to notice than ears !). This is an area I need to work on . I have this very annoying habit of finishing people ’ s sentences or speaking up when I should be quiet . For example , my husband , James , asked our daughter , Lucy , how her science test went . Knowing the ten-minute answer to that question since I picked up Lucy from school , I spared James the time and answered for her , giving a summary of what happened . Sure , that might be expedient , but that question was not directed toward me . The question was for Lucy .
The other thing I do is related . I finish people ’ s sentences . James will say something like “ I think I will volunteer at church because . . .” and then I ’ ll butt in “. . . they need people to help with the Christmas event .” This happens so often that James will say , “ Do you want to try another answer , or do you want me to tell you ?” Turns out I ’ m not a mind reader and even if I was , no one wants a mind reader as a listener because what would be the point of talking ?
There are three negative listening styles I have noticed in myself , my husband , and others :
1 . Assumptive Listener : “ I know what comes next !” This is when I assume I know what my spouse is going to say , and I say it before he even has a chance . I have good intentions . I ’ m trying to show James I ’ m tracking with him and get what he ’ s saying . But where is the fun in talking to someone who keeps interrupting ?
Solution : Keep your mouth shut until your spouse is done talking .
2 . Fixer Listener : “ I can fix that !” Men are often known for being fixer listeners because of their desire to solve problems . But many times , a spouse is sharing just to unload and receive understanding and sympathy . We are not looking for an easy fix that makes our problem seem small and inconsequential .
Solution : Ask , “ Do you want me to offer a solution or just listen ?”
3 . Celebrity Listener : “ I had a situation just like that happen to me !” In conversation , most of us tend to turn the focus back on ourselves . This constant effort to shift the conversation back to you scuttles the chance of you listening to the other person . You are just listening for the chance to shine the spotlight back on your accomplishments , opinions , problems , or desires . This type of listening is selfish and self-serving .
Solution : Imagine a halo on top of the speaker . It ’ s their moment to shine , not yours .
If you avoid these three pitfalls , you will join an elite group of listeners . Kate Murphy , author of You ’ re Not Listening , interviewed people of all ages , races , and social strata for her book . She writes : Among the questions I asked was : “ Who listens to you ?” Almost without exception , what followed was a pause . Hesitation . The lucky ones could come up with one or two people , usually a spouse , a parent , a best friend , or a sibling . But many said they didn ’ t feel like they had anyone who truly listened to them , even those who were married . 1
If you are married to a spouse who listens , you are incredibly rich .
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Kate Murphy , You ’ re Not Listening : What You ’ re Missing and Why It Matters ( New York : Celadon Books , 2019 ), 17 .
Adapted from Making Marriage Easier : How to Love ( and Like ) Your Spouse for Life by Arlene Pellicane (© 2025 ). Published by Moody Publishers . Used with permission .
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