18
Diva Zone Magazine
CAN I GET A
Do Over?
BY MONICA BROOKS
AT 18-YEARS OLD
I THOUGHT I WAS ESCAP ING,
NOT KNOWING THAT
I WAS STEPPING INTO A
MARRIAGE OF
PHYSICAL ABUSE.
I
was abused by my stepfather at the
age of ten. This continued until I
was 16-years old. I always thought
that I was to blame. I was told to keep
this dirty secret to myself. Growing up
in shame had a negative impact on
my life. I never learned to ride a bike
or roller skate because of this fear that
had such a hold on me. I was taught
at an early age to cook, clean and
take care of my younger siblings. At
18-years old I thought I was escap ing,
not knowing that I was stepping into
a marriage of physical abuse. So one
day I had enough, I asked my then
husband to leave. Now here I was
with three daughters ages three, fi ve
and seven. I did more harm than good
trying to raise them. I got involved in
alcohol and drugs, trying to mask this
pain. There were boyfriends, but I
had always had a fear of one of them
possibly abusing my daughters, and
I knew I would surely do jail time, if
that occurred. There was a time when
being with a man made me sick, so
I decided to venture out to the gay
bars in New York. I was an emotional
wreck, with no self-esteem, in search
of love in all the wrong places.
When I look back over my life, and if
I had it to do all over again, and ask
myself what could be different, the
answer is ME. The way I viewed myself
had nothing to do with who I was. I
allowed the hurt and disappointments
in my life to somehow dictate my
future up to a point. While preparing for this article I began to count the many blessings,
in spite of the pain. I did not know that destiny is waiting to unfold. I did not know that I
am being prepared for greatness and that I would one day do something for GOD that
no one else can do. Instead of replaying the dark days, I began to rejoice. Growing as
a woman is about being all that I can be, while aspiring to be more than I am now. It’s
about becoming what GOD intended.
MY
choices had consequences and my choices were magnifi ed as a mother,
because I was the one who was sup posed to protect these little girls. As
mothers, we infl uence our children physically, mentally and spiritually. In a
movie called ”Fly Away Home,” a little girl adopted some geese. She was there when
they were hatched, so they thought she was the mom. They followed her everywhere.
Later when it was time for them to fl y, they had no mom to lead them. That’s what it was
like for me. In the book by Brenda Hunter, called, The Power of Mother Love, she writes
”our children will someday leave our presence with core messages about their worth,
whether positive or negative, these messages will infl uence every important decision
they make, as well as their capacity to nurture their own children.”
I pray for the courage to continue this journey and I remind myself it’s not so much
about where I’ve been, but about where I’m going. It’s not about what I’ve done thus
far, but what I plan to do. I’m learning to dream big, set goals and not settle. I’m more
interested in leaving a legacy than anything else these days.
Through all of the struggles, with the help of GOO, I can now embrace myself, forgive
myself, encourage myself and fi nally, put the past where it belongs...in the past.