Begin Again
By Shaunte L . Sparks
Often times when we are tasked to do a thing , we only want to do it one time . We want it to be one and done ! Do it and get it over with . Not too many people like redundancy . However , when I see the word , “ again ,” I see a-gain .
When the Lord has you repetitively beginning something again , one - He wants you to realize / recognize something . Two , He ’ s giving you a new start . And three , He ’ s highlighting your heart posture .
I have been in a period of transition for the last six , almost seven years ( God ’ s perfect number ). When I first entered into this space , I met it with such resistance . You see , I had a plan . A time frame . A desired result to said time frame . Can I tell you , none of it manifested . Not . One . Thing .
Talk about confusion . Anger . Frustration . Hurt . Disappointment . Did I mention confusion , anger , frustration , hurt , and disappointment ? Those were the emotions I experienced that I could articulate . I couldn ’ t express the deep ache I felt as I continuously hit that invisible brick wall , again and again .
Have you ever been in a season that required you to just … sit . Sit and be . Sit and rest . Sit and observe . “ Observe what ?” you ask . Your feelings . Your emotions . Your thoughts . Your ways of being . Your responses to certain people , places , things … Your response to just sitting and being . Your triggers . Your trauma . The way you show up for others . The way you show up for You . This was me , struggling . Struggling like I had never struggled before . Struggling to just sit and be still so I may hear , see , and become that whom I was called to be in this earthly realm . One would think , after all the running I did as a single mother , I would be grateful for the reprieve – the opportunity to bask in moments of stillness . This is true … when you are the one choosing to have those moments of stillness . It is an entirely different story when the stillness occurs suddenly , and you are met with a HARD stop . You hit that brick wall with all the momentum you ’ ve developed , with no bounce .
I clearly recall the day I asked Father with exasperation , “ What do You want me to do ?!” His response was quick and simple , “ Embrace it .” “ I ’ ve already accepted it . What other option did I have ?” I shot back . With His tone still even-keeled and loving , He simply responded , “ You ’ ve accepted it but you haven ’ t embraced it .” Hot tears began to fall as I sat back , feeling defeated . He was 1,000 percent correct , and I didn ’ t even know where to begin .
To accept a thing and to embrace a thing are very similar yet , there is a serious distinction . I accepted the fact that my first marriage was a failure . I accepted the fact that I was struggling as a second time mom of a little boy who was showing signs of Autism . I accepted the fact that I had walked away from the only profession I had ever known and loved . I accepted the fact that I was at ground zero ; mentally , emotionally , financially , and physically . My selfesteem , self-confidence , and self-worth had been deeply affected . I honestly didn ’ t think I was going to make it . Yet , to God be the glory , here I am a-gain … sharing a critical piece of my story with you .
Then , I didn ’ t understand how embracing my current state would make a difference . Quite honestly , I didn ’ t know how to embrace it . I was doing the best I could with what I was taught . When you fall , get back up . Take two minutes to feel what you ’ ve got to feel and then , shake it off and get back to work . Well , what happens when Abba Father has you to sit out for a season , and all you know is how to practice and show up ?
What happens is , you allow yourself to learn deeper levels of You . You get to observe your world from an aerial view . You begin to see ( your ) patterns and their origin . You begin to see the signs you ignored , which led you into that figurative brick wall . You begin to see the genealogy of certain behaviors and those which you need to be delivered from , and the ways in which you must heal so you may transform your ways of being and be elevated into Christ Consciousness for His Kingdom and His glory .
Wishing you more …
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