WHAT GOD PUTS TOGETHER
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needs. “The way I like to put it is, when I want to talk to Helen, I open the door to her movie theater, where she’s watching her movie, and I’m going to run my movie on her screen,” says Harville. “It’s an intrusion.” He suggests asking first if it’s a good time. “She can say, ‘Well, actually it’s not a good time right now, but I could in 10 minutes.’ So she establishes a workable boundary.” When you’re around each other all day, not intruding on each other’s time and thoughts becomes even more important.
Ask for what you want, really. Your partner is probably a wonderful person but almost definitely garbage at mind-reading. You need to explain your needs, and you need to be specific. “I would love it if you could plan dinner every second night” is vastly preferable to “You have to help around the house more," for many
reasons, just as “Could you rub the left side of my back?” is superior to “Could you make me feel better?” Helen notes this is much easier said than done. “We’ve worked with so many couples, and when you ask them what it is they want, they don’t know,” she says. “Men don’t know what they want; they’re raised to suppress their feelings. And women are so used to caring for everybody else, they don’t know what they want either. But if you don’t ask for what you want, you’re not going to get it.” So much is going on, and the situation is changing so rapidly that nobody is going to notice everything that every person needs or desires. So ask. Nicely.
If all else fails, try comedy. Being able to laugh at the situation or yourself (not your spouse) is a big stress reliever.
"Being able to laugh at the situation or yourself (not your spouse) is a big stress reliever."
Image - Man and woman sit together with beverages is by Fizkes—Getty Images