A guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can score you beer in 20 minutes. Forbidden fruit taste best, even at $4 a six-pack.
A guy with a car. Shouting at girls, cranking heavy metal, and throwing water balloons loses its thunder if you are still crammed into that Power Wheel.
A kid who has been to juvie. That pal who crossed the legal line too far always brings back frightening tales of jumpsuits, ass-whoopings and basic cable that will inspire you to keep out of trouble.
An explosives expert. Sure, a select few dudes will be doing things with girls that most of us have only seen in crude crayon drawings, but the other 99% still get their jollies the old-fashioned way: two-liter bottles, tin foil, and toilet bowl cleaner.
A guy who can recommend virus-free porn sites. Mom and dad will also thank him when the computer doesn’t die.
AGE 25
A guy who knows a guy who knows a guy who can score you weed in 20 minutes. There comes a time in every man’s life where he must be the hero of the party.
A guy who will take you jogging. Yes, this pick isn’t as sexy as your marijuana connection, but neither is the beer gut you are developing.
A 45-year-old with your dream job. Here’s an experienced voice to let you know this gig isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, even as an ad exec, an astronaut, or a whip-wielding archeologist.
A guy who teaches you flask etiquette. His theory is that every event is made better by sneaking a belt or two of bourbon. He is correct.
A guy who can recommend virus-free porn sites. You have to buy your own computers now, keep them clean.
AGE 35
A guy who knows a guy who knows a guy who can score you children’s cold medicine in 20 minutes. It’s 3 a.m. and if everyone in this house doesn’t get some damn sleep it’ll look like a Walking Dead episode tomorrow morning.
A guy who works as his own boss. The other side of the fence looks tempting these days. This guy can be the motivation to get your life in gear or thank god you don’t have to file long form taxes.
A guy with a pickup truck. If we have to explain it, you don’t have a wife with an eye for heavy furniture. Consider yourself lucky.
A guy who’ll teach you to brew beer. You have started enjoying the scientific shows on TV and you aren’t afraid to spend double-digits on a six-pack. This guy will bring both loves together.
A guy who can recommend virus-free porn sites. Seriously, you need to start sending this guy a Christmas card.
AGE 45
A guy who knows a guy who knows a guy who can score you black market Viagra. I’m supposed to pay how much every time I want to get it up?
A guy with an RV. You’ve been denying it for years, but getting away from life by bolting down the highway inside a toilet on wheels sounds pretty sweet.
A young guy who has the same job you had 20 years ago. Sometimes it feels good to be the dream crusher instead of the crushed.
A guy who can teach you money laundering. It’s time to start getting serious about retirement. We hear the Cayman Islands are nice.
A guy who can recommend virus-free porn sites. Forget the Christmas card, you should pencil this fella into your will.