times this effectively gets the point across while preventing hurt feelings or a negative response . But it also leads to misunderstandings and the opportunity for the receiver to avoid or ignore the message .
Assertive communicators , according to Adler and Rodman , are the most effective because they are direct and clear about their feelings . They don ’ t try to control or hurt the other person . Assertive partners may not look forward to some discussions . But they ’ re able to handle these in a manner that ends positively and leaves couples feeling good about each other .
If you see yourself or your partner in any of the first four styles , you ’ ve probably experienced many of the problems these styles often create . Quarreling , escaping , and resentment often result . If these problems become too frequent , they can ultimately destroy your relationship .
A BETTER APPROACH
Changing old patterns isn ’ t easy and requires work . But learning to communicate with your partner effectively can be achieved . One method of communication therapists teach clients can make arguing , yelling , and avoidance a thing of the past . Not only do couples learn to communicate more effectively , but they may also develop deeper bonds and intimacy . This can have a lasting effect on your relationship .
This technique , sometimes referred to as Intentional Dialogue , is used in Imago Relationship Therapy . Through this technique , couples learn how to talk to their partner , share feelings , and really hear and understand each other . Also referred to as Couple ’ s Dialogue , it uses a speaker-listener approach and consists of four steps . Imago Therapist Eleanor Payson A . C . S . W . shares this process in her handout , Making the IMAGO Conscious . But before getting started , there are essential “ ground rules ” couples must follow .
First , explains Payson , the person who needs to have a discussion must initiate it by making a request for a specific time . Couples often jump into important discussions without making sure it ’ s convenient for their partner . If the time requested isn ’ t convenient , your partner should schedule a time better suited to both of you . The discussion should be held within 24 hours .
Not only do couples learn to communicate more effectively , but they may also develop deeper bonds and intimacy .
Also , when making your request for a dialogue , don ’ t disclose the details . Tell your partner only the topic to avoid undue worry . When the scheduled time arrives , the person making the request is responsible for reminding the other . During your dialogue , stick to the topic , and if other issues arise , save them for later .
Finally , your dialog should consist of four steps : mirroring , summarizing , validating , and empathizing . After you complete these steps , switch roles so that each of you has the opportunity to share your thoughts and feelings .
GETTING STARTED
To begin your dialogue , sit close and facing each other . The first speaker is the person who requested the dialog . During the four-step process , as explained by Payson , the receiver should not interrupt , except to check his understanding of his partner . Furthermore , he should not discuss his feelings , perspective , or anything else until the roles are switched .
The first step is to mirror . After the sender describes her concern , the receiver will mirror what his partner said and then ask if he understood correctly . If he has , he then asks if there ’ s more . This exchange continues until the speaker has finished .
Next , the receiver summarizes his partner ’ s discussion and what he believes she ’ s trying to say . He should then ask if he got it all . If not , the mirroring process continues until he has received all of the important details .
Now the receiver needs to validate his partner by explaining that he understands her feelings and why . If the receiving partner does not yet understand his spouse ’ s feelings , the mirroring process continues .
Once the mirroring spouse understands his partner ’ s feelings , it is time to empathize . This means to be able to experience the thoughts and feelings of his partner . Empathy is vital to any relationship as it “ allows both partners to transcend , perhaps for a moment , their separateness and to experience a genuine ‘ meeting ,’” says Payson . “ Such an experience has remarkable healing power .”
Therefore , during this step , your partner should indicate he empathizes with your specific feelings . Finally , switch roles and begin the process again .
TAKING CARE NOW
If communication problems are impairing your relationship , don ’ t wait for irreparable damage . Other effective speaker-listener techniques are available , as well . In Fighting for Your Marriage , Markman , Stanley , and Susan L . Blumberg teach similar communication skills through the Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program ( PREP ) approach . Look for other good books as well . Keep in mind that for some couples , therapy may be required . In her recent book , The Wizard of Oz and other Narcissists , Payson describes the narcissistic personality . Individuals with this disorder may not be capable of empathy , a vital element of these recommended forms of communication . If this may be a problem in your relationship , or for other reasons you and your partner can ’ t work through this process on your own , look for an Imago or similar type therapist .
Finally , remember , as Markman , Stanley , and Blumberg point out , “ Good marriages take work . Contrary to popular belief , it ’ s not how much you love each other that can best predict the future of your relationship , but how conflicts and disagreements are handled .” So learn these techniques early in your relationship , or before misunderstandings escalate — and you ’ ll dramatically increase your chance for a successful , long-lasting relationship .
DENTON COUNTY • 31