Challenging Conversations
friend recently confided in me that
A she was concerned about her mother ’ s driving . Julie noticed a dent on the back bumper and realized that her mother had stopped driving at night . She was uncomfortable talking with her mother about this because it seemed like such a role reversal . After we discussed some strategies , Julie finally approached her mother with her concerns . With an eye exam , and a new pair of glasses , Julie ’ s mother is now driving safely once again . She told me that the best part about this situation is that now she ’ s had one challenging conversation with her mother , she feels a lot more comfortable talking with her about other issues .
It is natural to feel a little uncomfortable talking with a spouse , parent or other loved one about personal issues such as money management , memory lapses , health , personal safety and end of life decisions . If approached properly , however , these conversations can lead to deeper , more fulfilling relationships .
Seize the Moment Take advantage of stories in the news or experiences of friends and neighbors to start conversations about touchy subjects . If your father ’ s neighbor is recovering in a skilled nursing facility after a fall , go with dad to visit and talk about his preferences should he need physical therapy . If you see a news article about scams targeting seniors , print it out and share it with him .
Set the Tone The most successful conversations take place in an atmosphere of love and respect . Start the conversation at their home or somewhere they feel comfortable . Keep the conversation casual by chatting while making dinner or driving in the car . You may remark , “ Mom , I don ’ t know how you keep track of all these medications . I would need to create a spread sheet on the computer to keep it all straight !” Using humor can often diffuse a tense situation .
Stick to the Facts If your mother loses her keys one time , you cannot assume that she has Alzheimer ’ s disease . Observe the situation over time , making note of specific concerns . When you speak with your loved one you may say something like “ When I brought in your mail I noticed
PHOTO BY ANNA SHVETS
one of your bills said Final Notice , and you have a utility bill on your desk with a late fee . What can I do to help ?” Her response will help you determine whether she is having memory problems , financial problems , or if she just ran out of stamps .
Suggest Solutions It is best to have some solutions in mind before you begin a conversation . If you father has been falling a lot you may say , “ Dad , I ’ m worried that your next fall may be more serious , so I ’ ve been looking into ways to help you stay independent . If the time comes when you need more help , would you prefer to hire someone to come into your home , would you want to move to an apartment where there is help available on-site or do you have another plan ?”
Start Now It ’ s never too early to start planning for the future . Often , it is easier to begin these conversations before there is a crisis . Your parent or loved one may be hesitant to discuss the situation right away , but by bringing it up , you open the door to future conversations . It ’ s also important to think about how you would want these issues to be handled for yourself . You may begin by saying “ Mom , I ’ ve been concerned about what might happen to me if I could no longer make healthcare decisions for myself , so I ’ m going to designate a Power of Attorney and I ’ m filling out a Living Will . Why don ’ t you work on one too ?”
18 • MAY / JUNE 2021