Wellbeing
How to have healthy boundaries at Christmas - and always
Too many people do not have healthy boundaries . This means they frequently feel that other people cross a line – and this is something especially important to know about over Christmas and New Year . Nerja ’ s Wellbeing Coach David Hurst explains what healthy boundaries are – and how to always have one .
Most days we have some sort of interaction with other people . In person , video-calls , social media , on the phone … These days there are so many ways . So we all need healthy boundaries more than ever .
It doesn ’ t mean putting up a wall … it is to keep the space that allows us to be ourselves with self-love and self-respect . If we don ’ t do this we are likely to lose self-esteem and have that self-critical voice inside our heads telling us off for saying “ yes ” when we really wanted to say “ no ”. This can cause feelings of guilt , shame and even depression .
As there are increasingly more people in the world and as the world gets busier , we need healthy boundaries more than ever . Perhaps there ’ s no time more important to maintain our healthy boundaries than at Christmas and New Year when there are family visits and more socialising than usual .
Understanding healthy boundaries
A healthy boundary is defined as having limits to what is acceptable and what is not acceptable – and that is to you , no matter about anyone else ’ s personal limits .
Healthy boundaries can be crossed verbally – being shouted at , gossiped about , lied to or spoken to disrespectfully ; but as well it can be when someone is not allowed to speak or if when they do it is ridiculed or they ’ re ignored . Similarly if someone tries to make us feel guilty , bullies , manipulates or embarrasses us . Then also if somebody gets in our personal space , threatens us or if someone touches us or something we own without our consent – these are all examples of a healthy boundary being breached .
“ A boundary is simply what ’ s okay and what ’ s not okay ,” says researcher , professor and bestselling author Brené Brown , whose TED Talk The Power of Vulnerability has been viewed more than 60 million times . “ If we don ’ t set boundaries , we let people do things that are not okay or get away with behaviours that are not okay . Then we ’ re just resentful or hateful .
“ The moment someone asks you to do something you don ’ t have the time or inclination to do is fraught with vulnerability . ‘ Yes !’ often seems like the easiest way out . But it comes at a price : I can ’ t tell you how many times I ’ ve said ‘ Sure !’ in my squeaky , I-can ’ t-believe-I ’ m-doing-this voice , only to spend hours , even months , feeling angry and resentful .
“ Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves , even when we risk disappointing others . We can ’ t base our own worthiness on other people ’ s approval … Only when we believe , deep down , that we are enough can we say ‘ Enough !’”
Liked and / or respected
Saying “ enough ” though comes with a choice . Everyone appreciates being liked and respected . But there are times we have to choose one or the other .
By saying ‘ no ’, ‘ enough ’ or even telling someone pic : Tone Camara firmly – or even crossly – David Hurst that what they are saying , doing or asking for is unacceptable we have to accept that they might not like us for it . But they will respect us for keeping our healthy boundaries . This may not be obvious to see as the other person or people may be begrudging or even angry themselves , but they will have respect .
In addition it says to them that your healthy boundary is one that you know how to protect – and they will be less likely to try crossing it again . It also gives the message that because you understand what healthy boundaries are , you will respect their healthy boundaries .
Stop saying “ yes ” when you mean “ no ”!
Most of us are taught about healthy boundaries as we grow up . Being a child in a house where there ’ s no respect for healthy boundaries , such as when there ’ s relentless criticism or abuse often means that those children become adults with no sense of the difference between healthy and unhealthy boundaries .
As adults , because their self-love , self-esteem and selfconfidence has been damaged , they are seeking the love and approval that every child needs while growing up . This is why many people find themselves saying “ yes ” when they mean “ no ” – it is people-pleasing in an attempt to get love and approval from outside of ourselves .
The real solution to this comes from inside . In my experience this can never be done alone and everyone needs to seek guidance from someone with expertise in these matters . But there is always a solution – and everyone can have clear and positive healthy boundaries .
DAVID HURST
David Hurst is a Wellbeing Coach based on the Costa del Sol with four books published on emotional and mental health recovery , including 12 Steps To 1 Hero and The Anxiety Conversation . To find out more or get in touch with David to chat about how he can help you or someone you care about , visit : david-hurst . com
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