ADR CORNER
ADR CORNER
Mediating Through Hostility : Strategies for Mediating a High Conflict Divorce
DAMARY V . STOKES
A divorce can be a stress-induced , chaotic time in people ’ s lives . Selling one ’ s home , splitting holidays with the children , and dealing with the reality of a one-income household can all bring on high emotions . In most cases , the problem isn ’ t that high-conflict people are bad people or bad parents ; they just have more limited coping skills and need help reframing their perspectives in order to work cooperatively for the good of the family . As a mediator , being empathetic can be one of your “ superpowers ” in situations where both parties are high on emotions . Empathy absorbs tension .
A structured mediation process with appropriate support can make all the difference . So , how do you define a highconflict case ? Some will say that all divorce cases are high conflict . In my experience , however , it usually involves two people with deeply embedded hostility , whose modality of dealing with stress is attack . As a mediator , being able to DISARM the hostility in the room allows parties to have a clear mind in order to make the best decisions for their family . In law school , one of my studying tools was using acronyms to help me remember rules of law . Using the acronym DISARM can help mediators disarm the hostility in the room , in turn facilitating open communication in a productive and peaceful manner .
The “ D ” stands for Defuse the Situation . In order to defuse the situation , we need to address the conflict as soon as you see it . Don ’ t wait and think it will smooth over . Address it head on so the parties can address it and focus on the more important things . Asking parties what they don ’ t like about the situation and what they would like to see done differently can be an effective way to communicate because it engages the problem-solving side of the person ’ s brain , which can break their pattern of attacking the other side or otherwise create drama .
The “ I ” stands for Ignore the Words . I know , it seems to be counterintuitive to what we know . As mediators , we are required to be active listeners . I am not suggesting that we shouldn ’ t be , but ignoring the words to identify the emotion that the party is showing and expressing that emotion can be an effective way to de-escalate a hostile angry person quickly and effectively . It ’ s a different way of listening and responding that turns out to be a powerful tool .
The “ S ” stands for Say the Emotion . Once you have listened for the emotion , state the emotion in a short declarative “ You ” statement .
The “ A ” stands for Acceptance . Helping parties picture the new reality of their new normal can help people accept that they may have to downgrade in size of home or won ’ t see the children on an important holiday every year . As a litigator , I would always compare a divorce as a death to my clients when they became emotional . So much is lost in a divorce , not just money , but time with the children , loss of relationships with relatives from your spouse , etc .
The “ R ” stands for Reframing . Reframing can be used for many things when managing conflict . For example : defusing inflammatory language , refocusing attention , acknowledging strong emotions in a productive manner , and translating communication so that it is more likely to be heard and acknowledged by other parties .
The “ M ” stands for Manage . Managing the expectations of the parties can help the parties keep an open mind on different alternatives and new ideas to help resolve their issues . Caucuses is a great place to do so . Caucuses create a safe environment for a " reality test " of the positions of each party . In other words , the caucus is a good time for a mediator to help each client identify the strengths and weaknesses of their case . Exploring these concerns in the privacy of the caucus can encourage a party to modify expectations and demands , a vital step if there is to be a voluntary agreement .
PBCBA BAR BULLETIN 6
Damary V . Stokes has been a member of the Florida bar for over 15 years and was previously appointed as a General Magistrate for the 15th Judicial Circuit . She is currently a fulltime mediator with Matrix Mediation and an adjunct professor at her alma matter law school , Nova Southeastern Shepard Broad Law Center . Damary can be reached at 561-247-0489 or via email at damary @ matrixmediation . com or www . matrixmediation . com .
For additional ADR tips and resources , go to www . palmbeachbar . org / alternative-disputeresolution-committee
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