‘you loser of an animal, what’s wrong with you’. But if we don’t want to go to a social
situation one day, it is like ‘you are so weak, you can’t stand up to these people’. We are
much harder on ourselves. It is okay sometimes to not be up for it. So do away with
unnecessary stress, avoid what you can avoid.
Alter – If something is stressing you out, you can either change the environment, or
change yourself. Consider if you can do something differently, consider the fact that
you need to take some positive action in your environment (instead of just telling
yourself, ‘understand, others have their own pressures that’s why they are speaking
badly, be understanding’). In some ways, we are animals also, and it is okay to take
care of yourself. Sometimes we have to be soft on ourselves. Our nervous systems are
not designed this way – to be constantly in warrior battle mode.
Adapt – If there is nothing you can do in the outer environment, then you have no
choice but to change your expectation of things, or change your behaviour.
Accept – And if neither of them works, then you have no choice, but to accept. You
must have heard of the serenity prayer: ‘God, give me the serenity to accept the things
I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the
difference.’
It is important to think of them as separate categories. Some of us will always avoid,
some of us will always try to change the other, some of us will always try to change
ourselves – all these options are available to us. Consider that there are options other
than your habitual pattern – of being the martyr, or the fighter, or the person who
avoids.
16
Boundary exercise
Close your eyes.
Imagine you are in the middle of a bubble.
It is not claustrophobic, it is free-flowing, and comfortable.
And the boundary of the bubble is about an arm’s distance.
Let’s track the boundary – an arm’s distance above your head… on your sides…
behind you… in front of you… important to visualize it underneath your feet.
Now give this bubble a colour.
Notice, when you look at the boundary of the bubble, when you exhale, the
boundary goes out just a little, and when you inhale the boundary comes closer
to you just a little.
It breathes with you.
Keeping your eyes closed, stretch out your arms, and feel the boundary of this
bubble with your arms. Don’t lock your elbows, keep them soft.
Actually lift your arms and feel the boundary. Keep going for as long as you want.
When you feel like you have explored it, rest your hands and arms, and see how
it feels.
Now within your bubble, just take a 360-degree turn. Just notice that you are in
this bubble.