‘ I lauded the “ lifesaving ” practices and principles we adhered to and sang the praises of those who determined policy . But hey , it ’ s work and we all “ hate ” our bosses , don ’ t we ?’ |
ten years later , I was still a heroin addict and a full-blown alcoholic .
You ’ d think I would be a happy and content worker , safe in the embrace of a tolerant , forgiving , and understanding workplace culture . ‘ Allowed ’ to have scoring and banging up breaks , flexibility over start times ( they were fully aware I couldn ’ t function without gear and it is a universal truth that dealers are always late ). Not having to hide the truth of my situation , surely I was in Junkie heaven . Of course I wasn ’ t .
SELF CYCLES I was a selfish , self-centred and self-justifying drug addict , happy to take the piss at every opportunity , voice my dissatisfaction and sow discord wherever possible . In true drug-addict fashion , I was manipulative and self-seeking . I have deliberately used the word ‘ self ’ multiple times in this paragraph , just in case you don ’ t fully appreciate what
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Stuart , back in the day at an Exchange event ( left in pic ). Opposite page , at a reunion with former colleague Scott Robyns ( right ) and Andrew Preston ( left )
being an addict is all about . It really is , almost but not entirely , about staving off gear sickness and sourcing your next hit – a relentless and unending selfobsessed cycle .
Being quite intelligent , showing glimpses of charm , and crucially , seldom making errors in my job , I was a picker packer ( boxing orders for customers ). In this age of Amazon , we all know nothing upsets a customer more than receiving the wrong items . And , of course , I had enough awareness of these qualities to weaponise them whenever and wherever they would serve me best .
So , the game was afoot , junkie vs system , a ‘ battle ’ Andrew ( co-founder and allround head honcho ) has since told me taught him ‘ a great deal about managing addicts in the workplace ’ – you ’ re welcome ! It was a constant struggle between what could I get away with ( not necessarily shirking the work , but having my diverse , demanding and damaged needs met ) versus a liberal and understanding business model . It was , however , still a business with procedural needs that had to be met .
Don ’ t get me wrong , outside of the workplace , I was soooo proud of the company ’ s ethos and mandate . I lauded the ‘ life-saving ’ practices and principles we adhered to and sang the praises of those who determined policy . But hey , it ’ s work and we all ‘ hate ’ our bosses , don ’ t we ? Picking up petty resentments over decisions that didn ’ t go my way , feeling my value was under-rewarded , bemoaning ‘ they don ’ t know the job like we do ’. I can assure you this is doubled if we also hate the world for dealing us the shitty hand of addiction and the nonstop nonsense that goes with it .
It seemed I was always just good enough , just tenacious enough and just likable enough to keep my job . However , it was very much a battle of will and wits , with me believing these
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caring and understanding bosses were exploiting my labour . The truth was , I wasn ’ t fulfilling my potential in life and it hurt . I turned that internal frustration outwards when in reality I had the appropriate job and level of pay for what my capabilities allowed and reliability warranted .
Many days my drunken belligerence was a cause of consternation , and my normal breakfast was a beer ( or three ) on the train travelling to work . They accommodated this behaviour as best they could but sent me home when necessary – this mostly suited my agenda of more time to drink and use . As caring and understanding employers , full sick pay was the norm – as an addict , I took this as an invite to take days off at will ( remember I woke up gear sick every morning )
In an attempt to tackle this , a ratio of eligible sick days per month was implemented . I have since been told our accounts department could accurately anticipate my absenteeism according to this formula . At the time I ’ m sure I was proud of my ability to manipulate the system , but today I feel embarrassed that I was so predictable .
More than once , I was found asleep on the job ( goofing out on heroin a more accurate description ). Another time , I stole 200 first class stamps , a clearly sackable offence . Unable to prove it was me , they implemented a procedure to prevent it happening again , another example of their consideration . I ’ m certain other employers , regardless of the legality , would have terminated my employment on reasonable suspicion . This did lead to an interesting ‘ dilemma ’ when I approached Andrew to make my amends of whether to return the 2012 price or 2022 cost of stamps – it was a significant amount ( I think we settled on 2016 as an acceptable compromise ).
ON A MISSION Am I being unfair on myself ? Definitely not . All these things and many more happened but I ’ m probably being a bit selective in
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the picture I am painting . There was a camaraderie between warehouse workers , and we half joked about the truth that we spent more time together than we did with our loved ones – shared more and knew more about each other too . There was a team spirit throughout ( even if the packers did occasionally bitch , scheme and attempt to gang up on management policy ). The training and team building opportunities we were afforded were generous and regular – especially in comparison to other workplaces who might have been desperate or ruthless enough to employ an addict like me . However , at Exchange Supplies , there was the sense of being on a mission .
I wasn ’ t the only junkie working there and part of the Exchange Supplies ‘ mission ’ was to highlight unjust and dangerous drug laws and policies . As using addicts we faced the impact of these issues daily . The legality and substandard quality of our drugs , the dangers of scoring , the risks associated with consumption and the ‘ draconian ’ enforcement of prescribing practice and drug agency attendance . We were invested in the practical solutions and educational zeal promoted by the organisation because we knew the real-life implications of underfunding , irrational legislation , and often hypocritical implementation . We may have ‘ only ’ been packing boxes , but we felt like part of the evangelical solution being offered by Exchange Supplies .
Today , I ’ m clean and sober , but my desperate and disrespectful behaviour during this period was a necessity of addiction – my grateful ingratitude quite natural for an addict stumbling from withdrawals to ‘ fix ’, encountering the attendant chaos and creating difficulties along the way . However , it also shaped the person I am today – granting me perspective , tolerance and transferable skills all of which were gently fostered and encouraged by the team and policies of Exchange Supplies .
Stuart Lloyd is several years into recovery and has become a writer
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