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‘ I used think that if I ended up in hospital I’ d stop, but it didn’ t make me stop – I’ d leave the hospital and go straight to the off-licence for a litre of vodka.’
the off-licence for a litre of vodka.’ She’ d told herself the same thing about her husband catching her with cocaine.‘ Well that happened, and I didn’ t stop. It just makes you want more, and you manipulate,’ she said. Being in the public eye made her try to hide things even more,‘ and that’ s when it became really dark.’
Her children would find her passed out, and she’ d often be too drunk to take them to school.‘ Of course a normal person would say,“ why can’ t you just stop?”. It wasn’ t that these things gave me pleasure, that shifted quite quickly. I needed these things to breathe. If I didn’ t have a swig of vodka when I woke up, I couldn’ t cope.’ She was now drinking and using cocaine every day, and on family holidays her
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behaviour was‘ despicable’, she said, as she didn’ t have cocaine‘ to level me out – so I’ d organise my pick-up as soon as I landed.’
Drink and drugs were also a punishment, however.‘ Because I didn’ t feel like I deserved help, because I was such a bad mum, such a bad wife.’ One of her darkest points was when she realised she was at peace with the fact that she was going to die.‘ I was OK with that, and that’ s fucking awful.’
After finally deciding she would have to get help, fears about losing her career and family – alongside the powerful stigma – meant it was another two years before she finally sought it.‘ You think that no one’ s ever going to love you or trust you again, and you’ re going to lose everything.’
She’ d spent time in residential rehab and was still very active in recovery, attending meetings and sponsoring people. She was also fully aware that she could never drink again, she said.‘ I can go out and be around it. But I’ ll see someone across the table with a glass of wine and they’ re on their third sip after an hour, and that to me is not normal – which makes me know that I can’ t drink.’
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NEW SUPPORT NETWORKS Some of her friends had‘ disappeared’ when she went into recovery, she said, and she’ d found new support systems.‘ But I don’ t |
necessarily want recovery to be my whole life, I don’ t want it to define me. I’ ll go to the pub with my mates for a meal and they’ ll drink, and I’ m good with that. But it wasn’ t like that at the beginning.’
Recovery was very different for women, she said, including when it came to diagnosis.‘ I’ d be talking to a GP about quite obvious symptoms of addiction, and they’ d often be passed off as mental health or irritable bowel syndrome.’ There was also the question of how much worse the stigma could be.‘ We’ re often told we’ re the homemaker, we’ re the ones who have to look after the children. So if you were to admit you’ ve got an alcohol or drug dependency you automatically think the kids are going to be taken away. And as soon as I did ask for help, social services were
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called. They didn’ t take the kids away – they evaluate the situation – but that’ s a definite fear.
‘ I don’ t think you really get rid of all the guilt,’ she told the conference, but she now had an‘ amazing’ relationship with her children.‘ Recovery has really changed my perspective in all areas of life.’ Someone in AA had recommended CA, and attending their meetings had brought her‘ right down to earth’, she said.‘ My ego went, and I just realised I needed help and guidance.’
Ultimately, however, stopping drinking and using was‘ easy’, she said.‘ It’ s the continued living without it that’ s the hard bit. Recovery for me is being connected, knowing what my triggers are, and having the ability to breathe and pause. And not react.’ DDN
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