I was a heroin addict and alcoholic of the ‘ hopeless ’ variety , frequently stealing bottles of wine for breakfast in an attempt to stave off the anxiety of withdrawals until my dealers switched on their phones . Like many heroin addicts , I was incapable of functioning before my morning fix – unable to move from the sweat-stained sofa and unwilling to engage with life , barring the aforementioned shuffle to the off licence and payphone ( obviously , I never had credit ). Paradoxically , as soon as that text came through – the one signifying chemical salvation , that simply said ‘ on ’ – I would leap into action , capable of crossing mountains ( I was previously an addict in Snowdonia and did , literally , this ).
This was me during my Exchange Supplies years ( DDN , September , page 14 ), my whole ten years of working for the company – broken , desperate and , even worse , egotistical to boot . Senior management had a
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background of working directly with drug addicts and worse still ( for them ) a social conscience . This led to a conflict of purpose – mine the endless , selfish demands of addiction , theirs a commitment to do the right thing . At times this led to farcical situations which would have been comical if we weren ’ t dealing with ‘ life-saving ’ consequences .
Myself and a couple of other employees were active addicts who , by the nature of our condition , had a very clear agenda – primarily , to stop the withdrawals . This took priority over everything . For me , it came before food , hygiene , bills , childcare , the truth , the law , self-respect – everything . They say withdrawals are objectively like the ‘ flu , and there ’ s some truth in this . But imagine a ‘ flu you KNOW you ’ re going to catch every single morning . Recollect the poorliest you ’ ve ever felt , and now I ’ m going to tell you that I could relieve that for just £ 10 . This is the compulsion that drove me as an addict .
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DIFFERENT PRIORITIES Once I was well , a different priority emerged – getting more drugs and maintaining that high . Not so desperate but still a priority , albeit one that could now be overcome with a rationale and tempered by commitments . Ever-present but not so all consuming .
I ’ m referring primarily to heroin addiction . Many parallels can be drawn with other addictions like alcohol or benzos ,
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but I recognise that crack cocaine presents a different experience . For me , crack was an extra , a payday treat ( alright , mostly a daily treat ), but one I would forgo in favour of the necessity of heroin .
This was the emotional soundtrack of my using . The objectives of Exchange Supplies as a social enterprise included offering employment to active addicts , providing self-respect , structure and stability , and promoting both personal and
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Nuthawut Somsuk / iStock |