There is double stigma at play ... people feel pressure for their relationships to appear perfect .

The links between drinking and intimate partner abuse are well established , and whilst alcohol must never be used as an excuse it is often a related factor . However , in the initial scoping work for this project we found that there was less specific evidence addressing the links between alcohol ( both at dependent and non-dependent levels ) and couple conflict . This study provided the perfect opportunity to plug that gap and focus squarely on the negative effects drinking has on relationships , irrespective of the prevalence or dependency of that drinking .

Of the people we spoke with , many found their partner drinking to cope with stress and emotions relating to family or relationship

matters , money or historic trauma . Normalised heavy drinking in social situations or sporting events were also frequently mentioned , along with drinking after life changes such as having children , children leaving home , or retirement . Many admitted to originally being in denial about the impact of their partner ’ s drinking and found that it was even encouraged by family and friends , justifying the behaviour .

‘ I was really upset by it , but everybody just saw it as a bit funny so it became a bit of a joke ,’ said one respondent . ‘ So then you feel “ I can ’ t really make too big a deal about that ”, and you think “ oh maybe I ’ m being silly ”. Also , I think if I ’ m honest , there was a degree to which I joined him in the denial . I acknowledged it , but minimised it .’

The emotional impact felt by those affected by their partner ’ s drinking was significant . In the online survey conducted as part of the study , 84 per cent of respondents reported that their mental health was negatively affected by the situation , with experiences of verbal abuse , loneliness , isolation , stress and worry associated with their partner ’ s drinking all common . A majority of participants also reported that their partner ’ s drinking caused conflict , tension and arguments within their relationship . The day-today implications ranged from impacts on finances , childcare and household responsibilities to having to avoid events and social occasions where alcohol could become an issue , as well as a subsequent lack of emotional connection and intimacy . Most common , however , was the breakdown of trust in relationships due to the deceitful behaviour associated with drinking . Once

these feelings of distrust had developed they filtered into the relationship more generally – even during non-drinking periods .

‘ It ’ s this thing about alcohol being insidious , it filters into every area of your life ,’ another respondent stated . ‘ There isn ’ t one aspect of our relationship that hasn ’ t been impacted by it . And also , other people in the house , because even when he ’ s sober , we ’ ve still got the memories of what he said , or how he behaved when he ’ s drunk , even if he can ’ t remember them .’

Stigma was a key factor , as it so often is , and partners often felt judged by others for remaining in the relationship . A relationship expert interviewed as part of the study commented that when it comes to talking about alcohol and relationships , ‘ there is double stigma at play . Talking about issues within your intimate partner relationship can be taboo in British culture , and people feel pressure for their relationships to appear perfect .’

Overall the study demonstrates the need for a more nuanced approach to tackle this issue . Affected partners often don ’ t consider that they need support for themselves in their own right ,

or that their partner ’ s drinking is serious enough to warrant it . While government policy is moving in the right direction , and in recent years there has been a greater focus on reducing couple conflict below the threshold of domestic abuse which is intended to reduce the negative effects of parental conflict on children , this needs to be taken further .

The government should extend its Reducing Parental Conflict programme to focus on drinking and consider a public awarenessraising campaign on how drinking can affect relationships to improve understanding and make frontline services more visible to those affected . Whether drinking is daily or infrequent , at the pub , an event or at home , we must ensure the impact it has on our relationship with our loved ones is always at the forefront of our consideration .

Alcohol and intimate partner relationships available at adfam . org . uk .

‘ Intimate partner ’ refers to both current and former spouses and dating partners , who may or may not be living together , or may or may not have children together .

Robert Stebbings is policy and communications lead at Adfam

Angelina Melnik / iStock

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APRIL 2023 • DRINK AND DRUGS NEWS • 13