When
you go through a divorce, it may feel as though your happiness is a million
miles away. But Divorce Coach Emma Heptonstall and real divorcee Lana
Parrish* joined Dawn to provide their top tips on getting that mojo back right where it belongs.
Let go of your ANGER EMBRACE NEW OPPORTUNITIES Get back into the dating game
There’s no doubt that divorce can be a bitter
pill to swallow. But bringing any toxic or
negative elements of a relationship into this
new stage of your life will prevent you from
finding happiness again. “Spend time figuring out what it is that you
want,” says Heptonstall. “It is easy to solely
focus on the children’s needs, but they’re
not extensions of you and eventually they
will leave home; so, you do have to address
your own emotions to find a new sense of
happiness.” Just because you might now be focusing
on your own needs doesn’t mean you can’t
think about adding someone new to the
picture.
“Any nastiness and bitterness you hold will
always damage you much more than the
other person,” says divorcee Lana Parrish. “I
understood that my son needed to be close
to his dad, and so we remained amicable.
We even sorted out our custody deal in the
pub. When you go through a break-up, it
is important to not get so caught up in the
anger or bitterness that it prevents you from
being happy.”
Divorce Coach Emma Heptonstall agrees,
and says it could even cost you more in the
long run.
“Chances are, you won’t want the divorce
process to be lengthy and drawn out. But
getting stressed or bitter about it is more
likely to make a divorce take longer, and
possibly even cost you more money.”
Trying out new things may be the last thing
on your mind when you first get divorced,
but Parrish says that a break-up is actually
the perfect opportunity to start meeting new
people.
“I remember thinking that I just needed to
start doing things. I couldn’t just keep things
the same. So, the first thing I did was book
a long weekend cookery course in Tuscany.
It was a group holiday in a beautiful Tuscan
villa. It was the first time I had gone away
by myself and it felt very empowering, and
it helped me rediscover myself a lot. I went
on to book a single parents holiday with my
son, revamped my house, had a big 40th
birthday party, and tried out new exercise
classes. Trying new things really does help
you get your mojo back.”
*names have been changed
“After about 7 months of focusing on myself
I started online dating”, says Parrish. “I felt
ready by then. I hadn’t dated since I was
24 years old, but I suddenly had so much
spare time that I didn’t want to spend just
sat at home. It’s very cliché but when many
of your friends are still married you can
suddenly feel like the odd one out. This is
why - once you feel ready – it is good to get
out and back into the dating game”.
Heptonstall believes that you should only
date once you feel ready to let go of your ex.
But it can prove incredibly healthy to date
again, and you can learn a lot from your last
relationship.
“When it comes to dating after separation,
it is still healthy to introspect and look at
the lessons you have learned from your ex,”
she says. “But after spending so much time
investing more into your own emotions,
your value system and finding out what is
important to you – then why shouldn’t you
get back into the dating game?” •
words by: bethany park
HOW TO
AFTER DIVORCE
Issue 01 • Dawn Magazine • 14