SEIZED BY GRACE
When the Detour Becomes the New Road
WORDS BY STEPHANIE J . LEINBACH ILLUSTRATIONS BY HANNAH YODER
She thrust her fist into her cereal bowl and shattered our world .
Until that moment , we were an ordinary family living an ordinary life . But on that ordinary Saturday morning , Tarica said , “ Mom , sometimes I can ’ t move my arm ,”— and as if it were a signal , her fist splashed into her milk , her head tipped sideways , and she stared sightlessly through me . With that seizure , we left ordinary behind .
Medical dramas always happen to someone else , not me . I remember the disbelief a few days later , the feeling of being apart from my own body , watching as a seizure robbed our daughter of her very breath . I remember my husband ’ s violent prayer of denial over her blue and convulsing body . I remember I couldn ’ t remember how to dial 9-1-1 .
At Children ’ s Hospital of Pittsburgh , doctors ordered tests and pumped Tarica full of anti-seizure drugs . She stopped seizing and started screaming . For twelve nonstop hours , Tarica fought Linford and me like a rabid animal , recoiled from the monsters she saw on the walls , laughed and held out her hands to baby Jesus , looked at me and asked , “ Who are you ?” I could almost hear my heart break over the screaming , screaming , screaming .
In the morning , the doctors put Tarica on less hallucinatory drugs . The tests eventually gave Tarica a diagnosis : epilespy . We ended our four-day stay with a bulging folder of paperwork , two anti-epilepsy drug prescriptions , and several upcoming doctor appointments . But we didn ’ t take home Tarica ; we took home a wildcat .
Tarica had always gotten along well with her older sister , Jenica . But now our drugged wildcat fought and snarled and showed her claws constantly . I spent my days watching for seizures and settling fights , struggling to discipline a child transformed by drugs .
Shock fogged my brain . My prayers were reduced to the tears I wiped onto Micah ’ s fuzzy head and three words —“ Help me , God .”
From shock grew determination . I went on a research binge , looking for options , anything but drugs . I found none that would work for Tarica ’ s specific situation and seizure type .
By now , the seizures had subsided , the monster in her head drugged into submission . But the side effects of drugs — irritability , anger , extreme drowsiness , and continual stomachaches — stunted her life .
Four months after diagnosis , the seizures returned . First one seizure , then another , until they came once a day , twice a day , accelerating . We increased her medication to the maximum dose . Three seizures a day . Two medications became three . Four , five , six , seven seizures a day , plus whoknows-how-many at night . Another dose
Sometime during the night , Linford said , “ If this is what she ’ s going to be like , I would rather she —” He didn ’ t finish . Although I understood his feelings , that night forged the iron in my soul : Seizures would not devour us . This medical drama was a short detour , a brief deviation from normal , but we would find ordinary again . Soon .
That night forged the iron in my soul : Seizures would not devour us . This medical drama was a short detour , a brief deviation from normal , but we would find ordinary again . Soon .
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