Darkside 99
Nookie ’ s Niche
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NookieNotes , founder of dating website DatingKinky . com discusses topical kink issues .
“ Is co-dependency a good thing ?”
Some time ago , I had a conversation about love with a friend . He said a few words , and the ones that have stuck most in my mind are “ I don ’ t even care if it makes me sound co-dependent to say that ...”
Since the sexual revolution , it has been very in vogue to deny that you want or need a relationship , triply so if you are currently single . It has been given a patina of desperation , of ( to use my friend ’ s word ) codependency .
Why ? Because we are now evolved creatures who should be able to have casual sex with the same aplomb that we choose the right fork at dinner . Because women and men have been liberated from gender roles , and are now equal and the same ( with the exception of slightly different plumbing ) in the eyes of the politically correct . And what ’ s wrong with codependency , anyway ? I know some forms are quite nasty and debilitating , but I am guessing there are forms of codependency that allow people to live fuller , more productive lives as well ... In reality , I don ’ t know a single person ( well , perhaps some of my casual acquaintances differ ) who does not want to find that consuming love , the forever love , their other half , whatever you want to call it . It seems to be a shameful thing to say in public , though .
Talking about casual sex is more socially acceptable than mentioning you don ’ t
feel complete without a lover / partner . Why is this ? I am certainly not advocating that a partner is required for survival . Of course not . Nearly all of my friends are perfectly capable of standing on their own and have proved it . They are successful , interesting , interested and fun people . They are single because they have standards , yet still yearn for the love to end all loves , men and women alike . That said , humans are social creatures by nature . We thrive with the love and support of others .
In the good period of my previous relationship , I was dynamic , pushing further than I had ever pushed before , accomplishing more than I ever thought I could . To me , that is the natural side effect of being in love and of a healthy , supportive relationship . Being with someone who makes you feel good about yourself ( in addition to having your own sense of self-worth ) can lift you to new heights .
I find the same to be true in my current relationship as well . I get more done with an eye to the future and building something together . Could I accomplish things on my own ? Of course . And I am proud of that independence . Do I feel like my life is more complete with a lover to stand by my side ? Yes ... a qualified yes . The right lover completes me . A lover simply taken to ward off loneliness is never enough . I have in my life refused that route repeatedly . I think I join many people in admitting this .
Perhaps the problem is that so many people are willing to settle just so they are not alone . That is possibly the desperation that taints an honest yearning for a n authentic connection . After all , the words sound the same coming out of a person ’ s mouth , and unless you understand the actions backing them up , they could mean anything . The problem with settling , as my Mate says , is that if you take someone to avoid being lonely , you are no longer available to the ideal lover who may come along at any time .
There are millions of people in the world . there must truly be someone for everyone ... perhaps ( in my way of thinking ) several possible someones . Why are we so disconnected from each other mentally , yet having more sex than ever ? I don ’ t feel that casual sex is wrong at all . It is a matter of intent and knowing oneself .
In ending , I will just say that I want a lover by my side and I am ridiculously grateful to have one . I am not ashamed to admit it .
Contact Nookie : darksidemagazine @ hotmail . net
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