Darkside 109
‘ Listen . You aren ’ t ruining play by using your safeword ’ creating a scene that resulted in the use of a safeword can deter a person from using it . All play has risks , both physically and mentally . Having to safeword should never apply blame to either party over how the scene played out .
If a phobia is triggered , it can prevent the clarity of thought to use a safeword . Trusting your partner to halt play and help in whatever manner necessary is just as important .
Often falsely conveyed in online forums , Dominants don ’ t automatically know when to stop play . They are not all-knowing . You are responsible for telling the Dominant that they ’ ve reached a limit and play needs to stop . So , using your safeword when it ’ s needed is definitely on you .
Let this be your rule of thumb , “ if you are thinking that maybe you will need to safeword , the answer is already yes .” As you gain experience you ’ ll learn how far you can really go before a safeword is needed , but keep it handy as you learn and explore . It is very likely to be needed a lot more at the beginning of relationships than further along . Much of that is because the Dominant has started learning your responses and body language for when you are feeling good and when you aren ’ t . It ’ s also more likely , just as with everything else in a relationship , that you both learn what can and can ’ t be done
Visit submissiveguide . com for plenty more helpful advice and articles and play within those boundaries happily .
I know a lot of submissives , including myself who have felt guilty for using their safeword . It would make me feel like I had failed my Dominant and I would break down in tears thinking that I was to blame for not being able to go further and for “ ruining ” play .
If you feel a sense of blame or guilt for using your safeword or feel discouraged for using your safeword , then you could injure yourself physically or emotionally . Not only that , you would then have less confidence to test your limits and push your boundaries . I know there ’ s a lot of pressure to make that decision to decide to stop play because you just can ’ t take one more second of what ’ s going on , but wouldn ’ t you feel better about knowing you can pick it up later rather than harming yourself , insulting your partner or pushing yourself into a trigger that you can ’ t get out without panic .
Listen . You aren ’ t ruining play by needing to use your safeword . In fact , you are protecting yourself and your ability to play again . So please , don ’ t avoid using your safeword . It ’ s a lifeline that your partner has given you to use .
Submissives have just as much , if not more , responsibility in a scene than Dominants . A dominant , especially one for pick up play is NOT going to know when to stop or that your “ no stop ” is actually you wanting to safeword . A Dominant has given you a safeword because they are saying , “ hey , I trust you to know when you need to stop and this way I can really focus on giving us a wonderful scene because you ’ ll tell me when it ’ s too much .” The Dominants that I ’ ve played with appreciate knowing that they don ’ t have to constantly check in , learn your body language when they don ’ t even really know you , or that you are just going to hope they stop before you need them to . Value the trust they ’ ve given you . Use your safeword when you need to .
About the author
Luna Carruthers
Luna Carruthers is the founder of Submissive Guide ( https :// submissiveguide . com ), a leading BDSM community focusing on practical knowledge to help submissives of all variations live their best lives . She is the author of several books , including the workbook , SUBMISSIVE REFLECTION - A Journey of Rediscovery and Affirmation . Luna embraced her submissive nature over 15 years ago and loves service and protocol . She is active in the local BDSM community in Iowa with her Dominant husband .
Follow @ subguide on Twitter , Instagram , and YouTube . Find us on Fetlife at http :// subgui . de / fetlife
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