Darkside 107
Safety comes in many forms and at any level of risk awareness . One of the very first things you learn when you encounter BDSM is the use of safewords . Even this site has numerous articles covering the basics of safewords . But now , I feel it ’ s time to gather everything together and really dig deep into safewords ; from their use , the safety implied and some of the problems safewords cause .
A safeword , if you are new to BDSM , is a word used during play that stops play completely . It ’ s a word that isn ’ t common during play , so saying , “ no ” or “ stop ” can be used as a part of resistance play and still have a way to stop play if you reach a limit and can ’ t go further . A safe signal is a safeword item or gesture you can use when your voice won ’ t be heard , for example when you wear a gag or in a loud space . Safewords can be used at any time , by either partner in a scene .
There are problems with safewords . You ’ ll still hear me tell you that you need to know what they are and to use them in your play , but don ’ t treat them as protective blanket where you don ’ t have the responsibility to be aware of risks before you play . I don ’ t think there is a single safety mechanism that is safe 100 % of the time and , trust me , safewords can keep you safe most of the time , but here are a few situations where issues arise .
Safewords are not what keeps you safe . People have to open up a level of trust that the safeword will be respected . Only then can a safeword potentially keep you safe .
Pre-scene negotiation needs to include what will happen if the safe word is used . Playspaces and dungeon parties often have a global safeword . Make sure you talk to your play partner what is to happen if the word is said and how you want the end of the play to happen . I know personally , I want out of bondage from my limbs as fast as possible to be the first thing addressed . You can always talk me down as you do it ,
but that fight or flight response needs to be handled first , and that means my arms and legs need to feel free to move .
Safewords are a problem if they are used when more negotiation needs to be done instead . Often , partners who are new to playing with each other will fail to negotiate thoroughly and rely on safewords to govern the play . You really need to take the time to negotiate so that you can prevent moments where you are using a safeword simply because something was unclear before you started .
BDSM communities can develop a culture that glorifies being “ hardcore ” or “ intense ” which creates a fear of being thought of as weak , boring or being stigmatized for safewording . You should never be afraid to safeword ! If the community you are in gives you this impression , bring it up to the leaders or seek out another group . Your safety is more important than the social pyramid . In a negative environment , the perception of blame being attached to someone for
Stay dark