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Darkside
Ruchami : Being treated with contempt and disrespect help me enter the mental space of depersonalization and objectification ; degradation is a tool to strip me of those things that give me social and professional power outside of the dungeon , clearing a mental path so that I can exist only in the present , only in the pain . That is , degradation doesn ’ t cause me pain , but clears the way for pain . It ’ s very different for me than the deliberate infliction of psychological and emotional pain based on my particular sources of shame , trauma and vulnerability .
Smitty : Indeed ! Many people do not fully understand this . Masochists often report a certain special feeling of peace or clarity that comes over them . Is this your experience ? Can you describe this in greater detail ?
Ruchami : There ’ s a certain mental clarity of purpose , of mindful presence , emptying the self of content , emptying the ego of attachment . And to be clear , this mental state I ’ m referring to exists prior to , and apart from , the mental space of pain .
Smitty : Prior to pain ?
Ruchami : Yes , I ’ m referring to the mental space of depersonalization and objectification , not the endorphin flooding of physical pain .
Smitty : Thank you for clarifying this . Sometimes also , masochists and subs talk about subspace . can you explain how it works for you ?
Ruchami : I get high on the adrenaline and endorphins that create an out-of-body , trance experience of altered consciousness . In that state , I ’ m less able to hear or attend to my environment , less able to think , speak , and move . Because my sensitivity to pain is so much lower in that trance ,
‘ For me , I fundamentally need those intense sensations predicted as pain ’
Darkside • Issue 49