Darkside 97
Nookie ’ s Niche
“ I
NookieNotes , founder of dating website DatingKinky . com discusses topical kink issues .
“ The problem with positivity ”
BE POSITIVE ! IT ’ LL GET BETTER ! YOU ’ LL GET OVER IT !
The messages are everywhere . See the good . Ignore or push away the bad . Move onward and upward ! And I ’ m often one of those voices .
Seeing the positive can be tough , and it helps to have those reminders , sometimes .
Sometimes , though , positive messages have a negative effect . Humans are at their best when they experience a wide range of emotions in life . O ’ erweening positivity can deny the validity of many not-so-positive emotions and minimize the human experience .
Some things just wholly and completely suck . Some things are terrible , sad , horribly unfair , and not at all good . Some things will leave scars . Some things take a long time to bounce back from .
Positivity can even be toxic .
Toxic positivity or sometimes positive toxicity is a dysfunctional approach to emotional management that happens when people do not fully acknowledge negative emotions , particularly anger and sadness .
The process of toxic positivity results in the denial , minimization , and invalidation of the authentic human emotional experience .
Here ’ s how it might show up in your everyday life :
* Masking your “ real ” feelings , so you seem happier / more positive .
* “ Moving on ,” when you ’ re not yet over it .
* Feeling guilt or shame over your negative feelings .
* Minimizing of feelings , eg : “ It ’ s not that bad .”
* Comparisons and perspectives of feelings , eg : “ Other people have it worse .”
* Showing frustration at others ’ less-than-positive feelings .
* Brushing off things that bother you , eg : “ It ’ s OK ,” or “ It is what it is .”
That said , it can suck to feel negative more than we feel positive , and we all know that sometimes it does take a perspective shift . How do we do that , without pouring toxicity all over ourselves ( or others )?
Instead of “ Look at the bright side ...” Let ’ s first accept and validate our feelings . It ’ s OK to feel shitty about something . AND it ’ s OK to feel shitty about
something and accept it for what it is . To say , “ I ’ m not yet over this , but I will get over it , even if I feel bad about it now .”
It ’ s also OK to look for the good . Like whenever life feels particularly harsh or difficult , take a moment to look for any good . It might be hiding . It might be small . It might be hard to spot . But it matters .
Positive does not REPLACE the negative . It lives alongside it . It makes it easier to live with and through . It gives us something to work towards . It gives us hope , and sometimes a REASON to keep going , to keep striving , and to keep connecting .
What are your thoughts ?
Have you experienced toxic positivity ? At the hand of others ? Or maybe you did it to yourself ?
Have you found a good balance through a tough situation that you are willing to share with others ?
Contact Nookie : darksidemagazine @ hotmail . net
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