Darkside Issue 40 | Page 96


Nookie ’ s Niche

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NookieNotes , founder of dating website DatingKinky . com discusses topical kink issues .

“ I am not your ‘ safe ’ friend ”

What makes for a ‘ safe ’ friend to talk to ? I feel like the answer varies with people . For example , I know most of my friends would be devastated if I lied to them , but when I post online about lies , there are always some people who claim that they preferred to be lied to , to save their feelings .
I would not be a ‘ safe ’ friend for those people , ever , especially in a highly emotional or trauma-based situation . And that ’ s OK . I don ’ t want to be everyone ’ s safe space . I can ’ t . I don ’ t have the energy , and frankly , that ’ s not my priority .
But let ’ s talk about why I ’ m not your ‘ safe ’ friend . I ’ m probably not your friend . That ’ s the big one , right there . It ’ s possible I know you . We may be acquainted . We may be friendly . We may hug and smile and laugh together . I am definitely that person to more people than I ever would have expected , and I appreciate that honor .
But a friend ? The kind of friend you can tell anything to ? The kind of friend that will be ‘ safe ’? Well , for some people , surprisingly yes . Even for strangers online , I can be a ‘ safe ’ friend .
But for many , no . Because we ’ re too different . The way my brain works is just not compatible with most human operating systems . So , before expecting something out of me , check out this
list of why I ’ m not ‘ safe ,’ and decide for yourself .
I ’ m honest and direct . If someone asks me a question , I ’ ll reply . I ’ ve learned , though . I often stop to ask if they really want my answer . From their answer , I can often determine whether they are just looking for validation , a couched reply , or the full truth .
But not always . Especially not with people who are not direct by their nature . Because I don ’ t recognize their subtle cues . And that makes me ‘ unsafe ’ for many people .
You know what else makes me an unsafe friend in some situations ? I expect others to be honest and direct as well . When someone tells me something , I believe them . Which , probably seems like a good thing . It always was to me . Except that I ’ ve learned that the truth for many people is not direct . Or perhaps I should say there is not just one truth . They want this thing , AND they want the exact opposite . So , they say one and not the other , and I believe them . They are telling the truth , but not the WHOLE truth , and so I miss a big part of the picture .
And then , some people don ’ t tell the truth . They have been taught their truth is not worth sharing , so they lie . Not intentionally . In reaction . Out of fear . In self-defense . I believe them and I base my actions on their words .
And that makes me ‘ unsafe ’ for many people .
For many people in my life , though , I am the SAFEST person . They can tell me anything and know that I will not be reactionary . I accept them , now , exactly as they are . I engage for as long as they need it . I tell them the truth as I see it when they ask . I ask them questions that may help them understand their own thoughts and feelings better . I listen and reflect back their words as I understand them and I validate their experiences .
I will let it go when they set their boundaries ; I will not push or cajole for more details , because that ’ s not my right .
AND , I also ... call them out .
I hold up the mirror . I point out their hypocrisy . And that , more than anything , makes me ‘ unsafe ’ for many people .
I ’ m OK with this . And you ’ ve been warned .
Contact Nookie : darksidemagazine @ hotmail . net
Darkside • Issue 40