Dallas County Living Well Magazine March/April 2018 | Page 28
Make Your Relationship Healthy:
Part 1
By Georgia Smith-Lyle, MA, LPC-S
W
e all want healthy thriving relationships! We
all have a need to be loved, and connected
to others. Maintaining healthy relationships
doesn’t just happen. It takes your effort, your
time, and energy. Most of all, it takes desire.
I counsel many couples. The one area I find most couples
needing help is effective communication. They’re discon-
nected for a reason and need help mending their relation-
ship foundation. If your relationship feels disconnected,
take a look at your communication with one another. Is it
effective? Does it need improvement? Could you be mis-
understanding each other? Do you find yourself frustrated
when trying to communicate? Are you in fear of bringing
up certain subjects? If you answered “yes” to any of these,
the following information will hopefully help you to recon-
nect and begin restoration. A healthy, loving, connected
relationship is worth the effort to make it that way and keep
it strong.
Oliver Wendell Homes quotes, “Speak clearly, if you speak
at all; carve every word before you let it fall.” Ponder and
think before you say what you want to convey. Taking time
to choose your words is wisdom.
George Bernard Shaw said, “The single biggest problem
in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.”
Words spoken are just words unless they can paint the right
picture and bring understanding to the listener.
Great communication involves the important skill of “listen-
ing.” If you are not being heard or if you do not listen and
perceive what the other person is conveying, then partial
communication and misunderstanding is likely to occur.
One of the most frustrating factors in any relationship is
the feeling of “never heard or understood.” Listening takes
effort and practice, but it is one of the most wonderful ways
to convey to someone “you care,” “you are trying to under-
stand,” and “they are important.”
To Effectively Communicate:
1. Make eye contact while listening. Keep your thoughts on what is
being said, guarding against thinking about something else, or
being too quick to respond. Meaning, instead of thinking about
what you are going to say next, listen to what the other person
is saying while they are talking.
2. Do not interrupt. Let the person finish what they are trying to say.
3. Guard against defensiveness, blame, and justification attitudes.
4. Remember we are all individuals and have a right to our perspec-
tives. Not everyone is going to believe or think exactly the way
we do and we must give others the freedom to think and believe
what they want.
5. State as clearly as possible the topic or issue you want to convey.
6. The person listening should restate what has been said to them,
making certain they perceived correctly what was being said.
This is where many mis-perceptions take place. Sometimes we
do not understand exactly what the person is stating so restat-
ing helps clear any mis-perceptions.
7. After what you have conveyed has been restated by the person
you are communicating with, clarify anything that needs clarifica-
tion.
8. Continue the stating, restating and clarifying until the issue has
been fully discussed and you either come to understanding or a
solution to a problem.
The Never-Ever Rules:
1. Do not talk about important issues or ones where a deci-
sion must be made when:
a. you are angry
b. extremely tired
c. when either party is under the influence of drugs or alcohol
The Always Rules:
1. Give each other a “time-out” if you see the communication is get-
ting to a heightened emotional level of anger or yelling.
2. This “time-out” may be for a few hours or a day or two, but
always come back to the issue so that a resolution can be
made. Do not avoid and withdraw completely from what obvi-
ously needs to be discussed.
Sometimes communication can be very uncomfortable, but it
is vital for any and all relationships. We are not mind read-
ers, and expressing ourselves is a gift that only enhances
deeper relationships! Always remember, the art of effectively
communicating gives you the perfect opportunity to be “the
calm” in your partner’s “storm.”
I hope you enjoyed this article! Be looking for Part 2 of
Make Your Relationship Healthy.
Georgia Smith-Lyle, MA, LPC-S is in private practice as a Licensed Professional Counselor in
the state of Texas providing counseling for children, adolescents, adults, marriage and family.
She has authored two books and a public speaker. Georgia may be reached at 469-855-0256 or
via email [email protected]. www.couselingbygeorgia.com.
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DALLAS COUNTY Living Well Magazine | MARCH/APRIL 2018