Sometimes these behaviors are developmentally normal . We tend to look at defiance as naughtiness when often brain development is the cause . Young children still very much operate from their middle brain - the emotions center . Their behavior is guided by their emotions and impulses . The rational , logical , sequencing , cause and effect part of their brain is just coming online around the age of 4 and is very underdeveloped , taking decades to reach full maturity .
So , when you say , for example , clean up your toys , and your child ’ s impulse is to play , it ’ s hard for them to stop and reason why they should pick up their toys . I ’ m not saying she should be allowed to not clean up , but just that we frame the behavior as what it is . When we frame it this way , it allows us to be more calm , rational , and compassionate , and to approach with a problem-solving mindset .
Defiance can also be a heart issue - a signal that the child is feeling detached or disconnected from their attachment figures . When parents use punishment , such as Time-Out , the recurring fear of separation and social isolation breaks down our attachment with them , and when connection is lost , influence is lost . What you then experience is the counterwill instinct . Neufeld Institute faculty member and author Deborah MacNamara explains that “ counterwill is the instinct to resist , counter , and oppose someone who they feel is controlling or coercing them . Children are designed to be directed by people they are attached to - which makes them prone to resist people who they are not connected to .”
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