My shift came when I finally understood that behavior was
communication – and wrongful behavior was a cry for help
from my child. That’s when positive parenting clicked for me.
Before I discovered positive parenting, I was constantly asking
“which consequence fits this behavior?” or “how long should I
punish him for this?” Now, when a problem arises, I ask “What
is this behavior telling me and what does my son need?”
That is a huge shift! I stopped seeing my son’s “misbehavior”
as a punishable moment and started seeing it as a teachable
moment. The reason I put misbehavior in quotation marks is
that it’s a mere judgment, and part of my shift was that I really
made an effort to stop judging my children based on fleeting
actions driven by strong emotions and an underdeveloped brain.
For example, what I had misjudged as defiance from my three
year old turned out to be emotional pain. He was dealing with
a new baby brother, loss of time with mommy, and a confusing
new role as “the big boy” even though he was still so very little.
Looking past the behavior and seeing the hurt driving it stopped
time-outs, behavior charts, and other behavior management
systems in their tracks and helped me understand what I had
to do to heal the hurt, which was empathize, reconnect, and
reassure.
Viewing behavior as teachable moments helps you shift away
from using punishments that miss the mark because they don’t
deal with the underlying emotions or thoughts driving the
behavior. This also helps you avoid permissiveness because you
are still focused on fixing the problem. You aren’t just waving
it off as something your child can’t control. By using it as a
teachable moment, you’re automatically focused on the word
“teachable,” and that’s where the positive parenting magic is!
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