I noticed at that time that whenever my patience had been thin or my words unkind , it was nearly always reflected back to me in the behavior of my children . In the book , I recalled one particularly trying time when both of my children were being “ difficult .” I couldn ’ t understand why they were behaving so poorly until one night , after I ’ d gotten them both to sleep , I stared at my two-year-old ’ s sweet face and had an epiphany . During this stressed season of my life , I realized I hadn ’ t exactly been my highest and best self , and so of course my children were picking up and reflecting that stress back to me . It occurred to me that I couldn ’ t expect them to be better if I didn ’ t also expect myself to be better , and thus started a deep-dive into self-improvement that never had an end .
There ’ s an ugly side of self-improvement and it ’ s shame . Self-improvement too often goes hand in hand with self-rejection or even self-loathing , and that ’ s when our transformational practices become problematic . If we are motivated to self-improvement by shame , what we ’ re really doing is striving for self-worth and a lessening of the guilt that batters us daily . For example , many parents have set a “ goal ” to spend less time on their phones and to be present with their kids . That is a great goal , but what ’ s the root ? For many , it ’ s not really about being present with their kids . It ’ s about lessening the guilt they feel for being on their phones too much . Where does that guilt come from ? Oftentimes , the goal isn ’ t even what we set out to achieve ; the real goal is the emotional relief that comes from thinking more positive thoughts about ourselves while we are working toward that “ goal .”
14