Maintaining that level of respect through challenging
behavior can be a difficult task because most forms of
traditional discipline do not have respect for the child in
mind. Our culture is quite caught up in parental control.
We’re afraid of raising the kind of child that our culture so
openly disdains - bratty, spoiled, and disrespectful. Author
and educator Alfie Kohn says, “The dominant problem
with parenting in our society isn’t permissiveness but
fear of permissiveness. We’re so worried about spoiling
kids that we often end up over controlling them.” He goes
on to say, “The most popular false dichotomy in parenting
runs as follows…’Either I punish my child or else I let her
get away with whatever she did. Either I take a hard line
or I draw no line at all.” And it isthis false dichotomy that
tricks us into using disrespectful discipline tactics that
often exacerbate the very problem it’s trying to solve.
So, the question is how do you respect your child
without being a pushover? How do you use positive,
respectful discipline? Respecting your child certainly
doesn’t mean she always gets her way. That would, in
fact, be disrespectful if what she wants is dangerous or
unhealthy! It means, rather, that we hold our boundaries
with empathy, warmth, and gentle firmness. It means
taking her feelings and her personhood into regard as you
interact with her. Remember, respect means “a feeling
of deep admiration for someone,” so even when you have
to put your foot down or hold a boundary, you remember
that deep admiration and hold it in your heart as you say,
“no.” Why? Because this changes your tone and demeanor
and helps you remain calm, positive, and warm even while
you hold the boundary that is best for your child.