editor’s choice
Problem-solving is another important
aspect of conflict resolution. When
children are presented with problems like
wanting the same object, they need to learn
how to compromise. Rather than jump in
and give them a solution, ask them to come
up with the solutions. This builds their
problem-solving muscles! You may need
to nudge them along by asking questions
like “what caused you to do that” or “how
do you think that made her feel” or “what
was the outcome of your decision?” Tell
them to look for win/win solutions or a
compromise that everyone is happy with.
Then, go through the solutions with them
and ask if they all agree. Once an agreement
is made, watch to make sure the kids follow
through with their agreement. For more
on problem solving, read my article How
to Raise a Problem Solver.
Finally, children should be taught how
to do repair work after conflict. Rather
than forcing children to apologize, focus
on coaching them through relationship
repair. Ask “how can you make this better”
or “what do you think your friend needs
right now?” If your child is ready to give a
heartfelt apology, that’s great.
27
Other suggestions might be to help repair or rebuild something
that was destroyed, draw a card, help the sibling with a chore,
etc. When children are given the responsibility and the
opportunity to repair the relationship, they learn that they can
make things better and that they’re capable of fixing mistakes.
If the child doesn’t want to do any repair work, they’re probably
still harboring hurt feelings that need to be worked through.
You might just say, “It sounds like you need a little more time. I
know that you’ll do the right thing when you’re ready to make
this better.”
Summary for Teaching Peaceful Conflict Resolution
1. Teach your child about emotions. Emotional intelligence is
key not only to conflict resolution but to success throughout
life. Empathize with your child’s emotions. Talk about feelings
often. Discuss how others might be feeling. Play games that
teach children about emotions and role-play scenarios to
really help the lessons stick.
2. Teach positive, effective communication skills. One
way to do this is through your role as interpreter. Walk the
children through verbalizing their feelings and needs as well
as listening to the feelings and needs of the other child.
3. Help the children be problem solvers by asking questions
that help them come up with win/win solutions. Monitor to
make sure they honor their agreement.
4. Coach the children to make things better through
repairing the relationship. Empowering them to make things
better helps them feel better, too.
28