When we bark orders , try to coerce our kids , or boss them around , we activate their counterwill instinct . Author Deborah MacNamara describes it like this : “ Counterwill refers to the instinct to resist , counter , and oppose when feeling controlled or coerced . It isn ’ t a mistake or a flaw in human nature , and , like all instincts , serves an important function .” This instinct is beneficial when a child is being coerced by a stranger or controlled by a bully , but it ’ s frustrating when it comes to doing their chores !
There are a couple of ways around activating this instinct . The first is to develop and maintain a strong connection with your child . Dr . MacNamara says , “ Children are designed to be directed by people they are attached to .” If there is a lack of attachment or connection , the child will be more resistant . Therefore one of the simplest ways to increase cooperation is to increase connection .
Here are 10 ways to do that :
• Let go of distractions and give your undivided attention .
• Speak their love language .
• Show interest in their interests .
• Be an active listener .
• Play together .
• Take part in family traditions and rituals .
• Tell them stories from your childhood .
• Laugh together .
• Make family night a regular .
• Use positive , respectful discipline .
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