A Place to Belong We are born with a deep need for attachment and belonging . Often , we require children to “ fit into ” our family systems . We send subtle , and sometimes not so subtle , messages that you must be / do something specific to fit in here . “ If you ’ re naughty , you are sent away . You don ’ t belong .” “ If you disappoint me , you are shunned . You don ’ t belong .” “ If your grades slip , if you hit your sister , if you are too exuberant or too quiet , if you ’ re too this or too that ”… You get the idea . There seems to always be a bar our children must reach in order to be acceptable , and we ’ ve all dealt with it . Starting in childhood , we all get the message of how to fit in loud and clear , at home , at school , on the field , everywhere . And while children are adept at bending and reshaping themselves to fit into the boxes everyone molds for them , this isn ’ t filling the need for belonging .
To understand the distinction , I turned to Brene Brown , world-renowned researcher and author of Rising Strong . Brown says , “ Fitting in is about assessing a situation and becoming who you need to be to be accepted . Belonging , on the other hand , doesn ’ t require us to change who we are ; it requires us to be who we are .”
The message we must send to put our children ’ s hearts at rest is this . “ You belong , no matter what . You are loved , no matter what . You are worthy , no matter what .” Separating the human from the behavior is so important , and our language plays a big part . It ’ s the difference between “ This behavior is not acceptable ” and “ You are naughty .” It ’ s the difference between “ Go to your room until you can act right ” and “ Come sit by me . How can I help ?”
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