It turns out that discipline tactics that use forced separation are emotionally and psychologically damaging to children . The reason is that these practices attack the most basic need of all children - attachment .
To understand the developmental science behind separation ( and to find out how we can discipline in a way that doesn ’ t harm ), I consulted a couple of esteemed authors who are experienced and knowledgeable in child development . Bridgett Miller is the author of What Young Children Need You to Know and an authorized facilitator at the Neufeld Institute . I asked her , “ Why are separation-based techniques not ideal ?” She replied , “ Many people don ’ t realize that they [ time-outs ] can come at a cost to healthy emotional development . Separation-based techniques , like the popular approach “ time out ,” use what children care most about , against them . Knowing that a young child ’ s greatest need is to be physically close to their primary attachments , it makes sense that separating them from their parents may get some children to change their behaviour , some of the time .”
Bridgett told me that , when time-outs stop working , it ’ s because the child ’ s emotional system has been overworked and this knocks out their desire to connect with us . They , in a sense , have given up on connection and have shut down their feelings because it hurts too much . She says that this is the brain ’ s attempt to protect the child from feeling the unbearable intensity of physical and emotional separation . When we take away the physical closeness they require , we inadvertently push them away emotionally in the moments they most need to feel a secure heart connection .
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