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my prescribed opiates when the pain became unbearable . Knowing I was scheduled to return to work soon , I opted to quit those opiates cold turkey before addiction set in and resolved to take only Tylenol for the pain until the aches subsided .
THAT ’ S WHEN THE NIGHTMARES STARTED – NIGHTMARES UNLIKE ANYTHING I ’ VE EVER EXPERIENCED . I DIDN ’ T REALIZE THE OPIATES HAD BEEN SUPPRESSING MY SUBCONSCIOUS AT NIGHT .
The first night sober , I dreamt I was back in the fight , squared off against my attacker . He had his knife in hand , but this time I was ready . He lunged and sank the knife into my back again . In the dream , I trapped his hand against my body with one hand and used my other to grab him by his ear . I jerked his head to the side , putting him out of balance and using a judo throw , swept his legs out from under him and slammed him onto his back . I sat on his chest and used all my weight to control his movements . I grabbed him by both ears and slammed his head into the concrete until he went limp . I wanted him to be conscious so he could experience the next part of my plan in full effect . He was going to feel as much pain as I did and so I decided the best way to cause that pain was to
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bite off his face . I sank my teeth into his orbit and bit so deep and so hard that my bottom teeth caught on the underside of his skull . I realized , even in my dream , that I wasn ’ t strong enough to bite through the skull . I relaxed my bottom jaw and adjusted so that I had his eyebrow between my teeth . I proceeded to bite off a bit of his face and tore the flesh from the bone . I tasted blood in my mouth .
As he started screaming , I did too . I sat straight up in bed , screaming myself awake . The taste of blood was still in my mouth and I was amped . My heart rate was over 150 , and my blood pressure was ringing in my ears . My eyes were dilated and I was soaked in sweat . I left my bedroom and headed downstairs where I drank water and sat in the dark , trying to bring my heart rate down . I was caught off guard by the ferocity of the nightmare . What was that ?
I couldn ’ t go back to sleep . It was 1 a . m ., and I was awake the rest of the day .
The next night , I tried to sleep but the same nightmare happened again . I woke up screaming , tasting blood in my mouth . The third night was a repeat of the first and second . It happened the fourth , fifth , sixth and seventh nights as well . At some point , I stopped sleeping altogether . I needed professional help .
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The journey to finding the right therapist is a story for another time , but I finally found myself in the office of a former police officer turned psychologist . He understood my symptoms and had a plan for treatment . He introduced me to EMDR or Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing .
I had never heard of EMDR but as we began , my therapist asked me to recollect brief periods of the murderous attack . Periodically , he would then pause my story and wave his fingers in front of my face . I sat in his office , staring at him waving his hand , and feeling foolish . The process was a mystery at first and I didn ’ t see how sharing my story and then watching a hand wave back and forth in front of my face could help . We worked through the call that first day and I left his office perplexed . What was that strange treatment ? How was that supposed to help me ?
Yet as I drove home , I noticed something had changed . I couldn ’ t put my finger on it but I felt … better . My shoulders were more relaxed and there was less tension in my jaw . What had just happened ? Did he “ Miyagi ” me ? ( Remember that 80s classic , The Karate Kid ? Wax on , wax off , now I know Karate ?)
That night my sleep improved . The nightmare
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was the same , but I slept longer , was less sweaty , and woke up without the taste of blood in my mouth . It was the best sleep I ’ d had in weeks and I could tell my mental health was improving . No recollection of nightmares at all . I almost sobbed in my bed because I was cured and ready to take on the world .
I returned to my therapist ’ s office with a new agenda .
I DIDN ’ T WANT TO EMDR THE STABBING ANYMORE . NOW , I WANTED TO EMDR THE OTHER CALLS – THE ONES I ’ D CARRIED MY ENTIRE CAREER .
The little girl who seized to death , even as I tried every possible treatment . The young woman who had been gang-raped and whose assailants had left objects inside her body . The 18-year-old who jumped off a ledge , fell four stories , and landed at my feet .
I ’ d become a believer and couldn ’ t wait to do my second session of EMDR . I didn ’ t understand how it worked , but I was all in . Eagerly , I told my story , pausing every few minutes for the finger wag . This time I didn ’ t fight it and received my treatment willingly . Again , I slept better . My sleep duration kept extending and the effects of the nightmares lessened .
One morning I woke up from an eight-hour sleep . The sun broke through
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