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This is what I've learnt from my Divorce:
1 . Marriage and divorce are very sobering
2 . Iddah is bearing. It's painful. It feels like forever. It
feels like a jail sentence some days. It will pass. Expect
to feel relieved and confusion after. It does take a
while to establish a new balance.
3 . Pray. Pray until your heart is firm.
4 . It sometimes feels like your heart will kill you in
your sleep.
5 . You will experience identity change. You don't go
back to your life pre-marriage. You aren't single
anymore. You aren't married anymore. You're
divorced. You will remain divorced until you remarry.
6. Society has stigmas. Get your brain around it. Plan
your response for : "why didn't your marriage work?"
People never stop asking. It becomes infuriating... it
goes on for years. Get used to it. Being asked why
you're divorced eventually stops feeling like a
metaphoric slap in the face.
7. Don't rush into filling the gap of seeking a new
partner. You need to settle emotionally.
8. Refuse to be drawn into a battle of gossip and
meanness.
9. Take it a day at a time. The first 6 months are the
loneliest and emptiest. It takes 2 years to reconcile
loss completely. (It doesn't mean you shouldn't
remarry in that time if you're ready to)
10. You can build new dreams. And yes it's painful
to have the old ones die out. Give yourself a pat on
the back and say 'its okay'
11 . No one goes into marriage wanting it to end.
Never consider yourself a failure. You may feel like it
on some days. But you are not.
12. It helps to have good friends and a sturdy
support structure.
13. Life is like Maslow's hierarchy of needs ...
divorce will initially make you feel like your life has
been turned topsy turvy. You will need to regain a
sense of self actualization. It takes time and effort.
Don't give up on yourself.
14 . Marriage changes the way you see things. And
Divorce can leave you jaded. Avoid getting stuck in
your healing. Check-in with your emotive self. . .
Often!
15. Ensure that you heal correctly. Seeking
professional help shouldn't be stigmatized. There is a
vast difference between a person advising you from
their point of understanding and a counsellor who is
trained to take your personality type into consideration
- you will be better equipped with tools to help you
overcome your challenges in this regard. It's
expensive. But it is worth the investment in yourself
and your life going forward.
16. Give yourself permission to cry. It's ok. You lost
your spouse. Yes they're alive and walking the earth
however, not allowing yourself to process loss will
manifest in other ways eg. Anger. Hatred. Etc.
17 . Divorce is not the worst thing in the world. Yes
its sad and painful but you're not a societal reject. You
were married with noble intentions. You did the right
thing, the right way, for the right reasons. You had a
halaal relationship. Don't beat yourself up about it.
Qadr-Allah. The situation is what it is.
18. Be kind to yourself. Really. You need it the most
when you're fragile and lost. You've lost your footing.
You need to revisit emotional maintenance daily. Cut
yourself some slack and don't pressure yourself to just
'get over it'. Time is a healer.
19 . It doesn't get better overnight. There might be
many long nights and tear-stained pillows. You need
to learn how walk in big girl shoes ... by yourself. It
won't disappear but it becomes less painful to accept
that life has changed course and that it is not in your
control any longer.
20. Take care of you - mentally, emotionally,
physically, and spiritually. Be thankful to those who
are your support structure. When things settle, thank
them. Learn gratitude for all the aspects of your life -
it is empowering.
May the Almighty grant ease to any woman going
through a divorce!
F.H
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