CHALLENGE
wonderfully supportive. I
didn’t tell them about my
coping mechanism.
On the 144th day since
my abortion, Naya Rivera,
a star on Glee, revealed
in her memoir that she
had an abortion the day
before filming an episode of
the show.
Sometimes I like to
go through and read the
comments on stuff like
that. But there’s an inherent
problem with seeking out
wounding words: You end
up wounded.
When you specifically
seek out someone who hates
you, you start to believe
they’re right. They’re so right
to hate you. You’re all those
things they say you are.
I’m a murderer.
I’m a sinner.
I’m a monster.
I still wince sometimes,
when I see these things.
Sometimes. I look at all
these brave women who
have ignored the stigma and
spoken out about it anyway.
I wish I could be like Naya,
like Chelsea Handler, like
Gloria Steinem. I wish I
could let someone else
know not to be afraid of
it. If it happens, you have
a legal, safe way out. It’s
not anything to be ashamed
of, either.
I see it, my eyes well a little
and my heart plunges to the
pit of my stomach. I mourn
him. At least, I like to think it
would’ve been a boy.
I mourn because I don’t
want to forget. This was a
big thing in my life, and no
amount of alcohol can make
it go away. I am living with
the consequences of my
actions, and I am choosing
to do so. There hasn’t been
y aversion to the
a day that’s gone by that I
topic is based on my
haven’t thought about it.I’m
guilt, not shame.
sure that if I ever have kids
Those may sound the same,
someday, and that’s a big if,
but believe me when I say
I will feel guilty over the one
they’re different.
I could’ve had.
At my two-week followBut I’m working on my
up, I asked the nurse if I
problems every day. I wish I
could have a printout of the
could say the pain has gone
sonogram. She said, simply,
of course. I signed a paper to away for me. The best I can
release the image to myself. say is that it has subsided.
This is never leaving me, and
It’s nothing more than a
that’s okay. I’ll never be the
speck, really. Less than two
same again, and that’s okay,
centimeters in diameter.
too; but I’m here—a little
Nothing at all resembling a
human being. But every time worse for wear, but more or
less whole.
M