CHALLENGE
Now most of my words were sobs .
“ Okay , it ’ s okay , I believe you , it ’ s okay ,” she said quickly . There was a long silence between us as I calmed down .
“ Of course I ’ ll be there ,” she said . “ I ’ ll come over tonight .”
I spent a good deal of time crying . Crying because I failed to practice safe sex . I failed to take my birth control . I failed to do things the right way . And now , I had to reject this unborn person from my body .
It was not an easy
“
This is never leaving me , and that ’ s okay . I ’ ll never be the same again , and that ’ s okay too . ”
decision . I very nearly chose death rather than go through with it . Even after , I thought about the gun locked in the safe in my dresser . That would be easy . The guilt flooded me , bashing my already beaten corpse into jagged rocks of regret and agony . It would be so easy . Noelle arrived sometime around 8 p . m . I felt awkward not being my boisterous self . So I tried to crack jokes . I tried to pretend like I ’ m not hurting , deeply . But she saw through it . She always saw through whatever façade I had on and just looked at me expectantly .
“ I ’ m really scared ,” I said finally . She just nodded . It ’ s understandable , she told me . We sat a few feet apart from each other , neither of us really looking in the other ’ s eyes .
SATURDAY
I was strangely calm . I woke on time , showered , and dressed simply , as instructed .
I tried to ignore the battling hunger and nausea . Noelle and I didn ’ t say much to each other during the ride . I just stayed focused on giving her directions . Thankfully that day there were no protesters .
The same nurse who did my ultrasound was sitting at the front desk . Her scrubs were pink . Again , I wrote my name on the sheet with the redacted names . We sat in the seats closest to the door . I gave Noelle my keys and said that she could go wait in my apartment if she wanted . She kind of scoffed at me and went back to reading her book , and that made me smile a little .
My nurse came to get me . I filled out paperwork for a few minutes about emergency contacts . I didn ’ t put my parents . She took me to the back and sat me down to take my vitals .
She dumped a small Dixie cup into my hand . Two pills tumbled out .
“ This one will relax your cervix ,” she said , pointing respectively , “ and this one is Valium .”
“ I thought I was getting anesthesia ,” I said .
She shrugged halfway . “ You can have both .”
She led me down the hall to another room and instructed me to strip down and put on one of the gowns from the cupboard . When I ’ m ready , she said , go into the room across the hall .
A nurse will come get me when it ’ s time .
I changed quickly , trying ardently to avoid the mirror on the wall adjacent the door . I failed .
Clad in a stiff , pale pink Mumu , I didn ’ t really look like myself . My eyes were sunken ; the skin beneath was a strange shade of purple . My skin was pale , and I looked weak . I looked in my eyes and tried to ignore the guilt that ’ s swelling again . My hands flew to my stomach , the center part of my hips , where it was . And more than ever before , I started to cry again . Not the desperate crying of a girl who ’ s scared and confused , but the sorrowful crying of a woman who ’ s making a conscious choice .
I held my stomach and whispered , “ I ’ m sorry .” I wiped my eyes before exiting .
In the waiting room , the Valium soon took effect . A nurse came to get me , and she half-carried me to a room in the back .
The last thing I remember was wincing in pain and shock as the cold speculum forced me open .
AFTER
I will admit openly and freely that I did not handle it well .
I drank a lot in the following weeks . Every Saturday , it was a shot for every week it had been . Around eight , I started waking up in my kitchen after blacking out . Other nights , it was a glass of wine that turned into some vodkaand-whatever-I-had that eventually turned into just vodka .
I opened up about it a little . I told my closest friends , and they were all