EATING DISORDERS
of showing weakness and vulnerability.
The fear of showing “weakness” is so
ingrained into our thought process
as lawyers and even starting as law
students that as a profession, we are
often unable to distinguish between
how feelings need to be channeled to
do our best to excel in the profession
versus what we need to do to help
ourselves when we are struggling
with mental health issues. We have
difficulty stepping back and embracing
the vulnerability of telling people when
we are struggling as being a virtue.
Here is the catch. This type of
vulnerability
is
something that is
absolutely necessary
in
mental
health
recovery. Particularly
eating
disorder
recovery.
It may
involve opening up
the well of emotions
that may date back
over a lifetime that are
holding you back from
getting better. Not a
pleasant thought, is it?
Very counter-intuitive
to
the
projection
of
knowledge,
competency,
and
strength
in
the
profession
the unresolved pain, layer upon layer
going back to childhood. The mentally
abusive relationship with my mother.
The severe bullying as a teenager. (I
do not blame either as causes of my
eating disorder. As we know, there
is a difference between cause and
correlation.) The feelings of inadequacy
and lack of self-worth also played a
role. While there is no other history of
eating disorders in my family, the role of
genetics cannot be dismissed as well.
I see this issue regularly when I speak
to lawyers and law students who are
struggling. People who would rather
on and those feelings are always just
under the surface, waiting to trigger
destructive behaviors or playing a role
in not dealing with the ones already
present. The stress of billing. Stress
of trial. Stress of grades. Problems at
home. Childhood trauma. The list of
possible triggers is endless. I totally
get that. Binging and purging was a
huge stress release for me during both
law school and as practicing lawyer.
The same was true of my obsessive-
compulsive exercise. Probably my
biggest trigger issue present day.
I am here to tell you that allowing myself
to be vulnerable and
let those feelings out
was a key in my long-
term eating disorder
recovery which now
stands at just over
ten years.
Those
feelings that dated
back to childhood
no longer control
me.
I even write
letters to my teenage
self.
I talk to my
“inner child.” Doesn’t
sound very “manly”
or “lawyer-like,” does
it? It does not mean
telling everyone your
childhood secrets. It
means realizing that
being vulnerable and
facing such feelings
is both beneficial
and necessary in moving forward in
recovery. Find a safe setting. Give it a
try.
I believe one reason for this
reluctance to seek treatment
compounded on top of the strong
societal stigma is the culture
of the legal profession. The
fear of showing weakness and
vulnerability. The fear of showing
“weakness” is so ingrained into
our thought process
I can tell you that while
I struggled with my
eating disorder, and then moved into
recovery, that recovery did not begin
in earnest until I allowed myself to be
vulnerable in a setting that I felt safe to
do so. And it took time to feel safe. I
finally got honest with my psychiatrist
and those close to me. I then began
to move forward in a positive way. I
had been lying by omission for years,
simply getting my anti-depressant
meds and not opening up about all
pull their toenails out with their teeth
than talk about such things. Talk about
the pain of a little boy or girl, failed
relationships, trouble at home. Possible
environmental triggers that have been
long buried in the subconscious.
It’s easier to simply say, “I’m over that,”
and move on. To emotionally isolate
from the world. To compartmentalize
the pain. But they often have not moved
National Association of Consumer Bankruptcy Attorneys
Summer 2017
CONSUMER BANKRUPTCY JOURNAL
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