STABILIZING CONFLICT WITH DIGNITY
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health and well-being. And resentment builds, quietly eroding the foundations of our relationship.
Nor is the goal domination— being right at the expense of right relationship. One strand of the dominant discourse on conflict, shaped by prevailing cultural views of power, claims that exposing the fallacies in someone else’ s argument— a dance between violence and vulnerability— is the way to go.
What’ s at stake is dignity. Our choices either narrow the chasm between us or widen it. Dignity sits at the center of that difference.
A Parenting Example
If you’ re anything like me, you’ ve made conflicts worse. You’ ve said the kerosene line, tossed the snide remark, rolled your eyes, folded your arms. Each move nudges the conversation closer to collapse. Why? Because meaning is always being sent and received— whether we intend it or not. Destabilizers are predictable: invalidating feelings, critiquing when you should be understanding, hiding behind the invisible“ we,” the apology-as-justification, shaming or absolutizing language that collapses a person’ s identity into their worst moment.
Stabilizers are predictable, too. When I asked a room of high schoolers for examples of stabilizers, hands shot up: ask
“ Our choices either
narrow the chasm between us or widen it. Dignity sits at the center of that difference.
”
a curious question; reflect back what you heard and check for accuracy; validate the feelings and needs underneath; say you disagree and you can see how they got there; take responsibility for impact without hiding behind your good intent.“ Yes,” I told them.“ Exactly.”
Consider a parent who walks in on a dysregulated teenager melting down over chores and schoolwork— behind again, overwhelmed. Tension is already high; the room feels shaky.“ What’ s wrong?” the parent asks.“ Nothing,” the teen snaps.“ Come on, tell me— I can see something’ s off.”“ You wouldn’ t understand. You’ re just going to judge me.” Now the parent has a choice. Maybe they are feeling judgmental. Maybe they do think the teen never takes advice. If the parent reaches for a judgment line—“ Forget it. I try to help and you never listen”— what happens next?
The teen will likely feel shamed; that“ never” flattens them into a single, failing
Page 4 Winter 2025 CSEE Connections