S TA R TI N G W I TH A PAU S E
The crucial learning that transformed my
communication approach came from ex-
amining how the restorative approach de-
fines “holding students accountable.” RC
uses a relational approach and inquiry to
examine the unmet needs that are at the
root of the harm (whether done to others or
to themselves), explore harm that has been
done, and work collaboratively to restore
the situation and relationship. Through this
process, multiple stories emerge that reveal
the complexity inherent in every human
interaction and activates empathy. In this
way, RC builds relationship and account-
ability concurrently. Therefore, if I were to
cause harm, being “accountable” would
not be about identifying which rule I broke
and what punishment I should endure, but
about being “counted” as a valuable person
in a community who has impact on others,
who matters, and who is seen as capable
and caring enough to repair the harm and
move forward. When we really get this, re-
sponding by ignoring or punishing is no
longer an option.
Restorative Communication v. 2.0
Building upon the strengths of NVC and
Affective Language and considering the
school context, a stronger model for RC is
built upon these basic tenants:
“
Connection and relation-
ship provide the ‘ballast’
that prevents ‘flipping
over’ during challenging
(shaming) conversations
and situations.
”
• Connection and relationship provide
the “ballast” that prevents “flipping
over” during challenging (shaming)
conversations and situations. Shame
is like the wind that tips a sailboat. We
can handle it when we feel love and
belonging, but when we don’t, shame
can “flip us over” and activate behaviors
like blaming others or ourselves, with-
drawing, or avoiding. 1
• Providing equal opportunity for voice
improves everyone’s ability to listen, feel
connected, and feel that they matter.
• Providing a grounded presence that
communicates re-spect 2 promotes
productive dialogue and provides co-
regulation.
1. “4.5. Compass of Shame | Defining Restorative | What We Do.” https://www.iirp.edu/defining-restorative/compass-of-
shame. Accessed 24 Oct. 2018.
2. I use the hyphen to signify a specific meaning of respect based on it’s etymology, “to look back on, or to look again.”
Re-spect then is a verb that says, I will drop my assumptions and biases and look again to see our shared humanity.
Continues on page 6
CSEE Connections
Winter 2019
Page 5