Parent Tips: Gender
by Julie Stevens
C
ontributors to this issue of Connections challenge us to consider how best to help each
young person we influence develop a healthy sense of self. For parents this requires deci-
phering, translating, or balancing complex, often harmful cultural messages around gen-
der. We are parenting at a time when we—and our kids—might feel confused by the proliferation
of categories into which individuals sort themselves or are sorted by others. Yet the more catego-
ries we create, the more they begin to blend, highlighting our common humanity. Our children
deserve to feel at peace with who they are and to be taught effective ways to relate to others.
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Teach and practice empathy. Cultivating a compassionate attitude frees us from “fixing”
something that is “wrong”, while enhancing our ability to respond to someone else’s distress.
All parents face unique challenges; more so when their child is viewed as different in some
way. Be empathetic and respectful of the requests made by other parents with regard to the
well-being of their child.
Manage your own fears by asking, “What am I afraid of?” (My child may be misunderstood
or limited by the way they are viewed. My child faces emotional and/or physical threats. I may
be embarrassed or criticized for my parenting decisions.) Then assess outcomes to determine
what is best for your family.
Taking your cue from your child and considering what is practical, limit exposure to harm-
ful environments while creating spaces that are safe for all. Help your child manage
challenging interactions with extended family, peers, and the digital community. Promote
authentic relationships that support the physical and mental health of each party.
Remember that imaginative play is a critical component of healthy development. Be
open to your child’s choices of toys, make believe plot lines, and dress up costumes. Offer
options that counter gender stereotypes.
Word choice matters, especially with regard to gender and identity. Clarify terms for
yourself, noting the difference between gender, sex, and sexuality. Talk to your child in ways
that are developmentally appropriate and as factual as possible. Try to use labels that are
neutral, focusing on ability and possibility rather than disability and limitation. Listen carefully
and without judgment to your child’s self-descriptors.
Consider who is responsible for educating whom. Kids who identify in ways that are misun-
derstood or stigmatized deserve to have their insights respectfully heard, but should not be forced
into the role of standard bearer or made responsible for educating others about their experience.
Foster your child’s interests and passions. You are most attuned to their unique interests.
Distinguish between theirs and yours, sharing what inspires you without implying expecta-
tions. This requires parents weigh when to lead and when to be led in order to both guide
and broaden their child’s pursuits. l
Julie Stevens is a parent, former school psychologist, and former independent school teacher. She
has written numerous articles on parenting and moral growth that can be found on csee.org.
Page 32 Summer 2019
CSEE Connections